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If you missed yesterday’s post, click here. I asked for your help deciding between two sentences in my novel. I like both passages for different reasons. Being feint of heart and unable to choose, I turned to you smart people.
America has voted and the results are in. Dim the lights please . . .
Passage One with 6 votes or 14.63%: Back on United States soil, my internal clock could only be read in German and it was a full week before it reset. Back on local time, I hauled myself to the market to buy the Austrian shopkeeper’s recipe ingredients.
Passage Two with 34 votes or 82.93%: After a week of struggling to get my internal clock back on local time, I hauled myself to the market to buy the Austrian shopkeeper’s recipe ingredients. We have a winner!
Both passages stink. Do over, Robin! with 1 vote or 2.44%.
Which one did I write? Drum roll please . . . Passage One.
The biggest complaint about Passage One was both sentences began with “back on.” That was an oversight on my part. In a blurry-eyed round of editing, I tweaked the sentences and left fragments behind. There is such a thing as “editing fatigue.” If you edit/write for ten hours straight, it is time to take a break!
The six voters who like Passage One found the imagery and play on words interesting and that Passage Two is antiseptic. Several of you said the sentences sound like me.
The majority of you like the tidiness of Passage Two. The sentence is concise and flows better. Many of you guessed Passage Two was mine and sounds like me. You know . . . all my preaching about being tidy in our writing.
Context was an issue for some and wanted more information. I chose have the sentences stand alone in the voting because I didn’t want to scare you off with too many words to plow through. I know context would have been helpful.
I tweaked Passage One; time for another round of voting.
Passage One Revisited: Back on U.S soil, my internal clock could only be read in German and it was a full week before it reset. When I no longer felt like a wrung-out dishrag, I hauled myself to the market to buy the Austrian shopkeeper’s recipe ingredients.
Passage Two: After a week of struggling to get my internal clock back on local time, I hauled myself to the market to buy the Austrian shopkeeper’s recipe ingredients
Although I like passage 2, I am wondering if you could delete “to buy the Austrian shopkeeper’s recipe ingredients” or list what the ingredients are instead.
I changed it to ” . . . buy the ingredients for the Austrian shopkeepers recipe. Flows much better.
I still like two best. Don’t you just hate when you have something clever to add and it just doesn’t seem to fit in…
This is fun and smart. By the time you finish the book everyone will be dying to read it!
You mean IF I ever finish the book. Geez Louise.
It was fun to get help from my fellow writers. What a smart bunch! That means you too!
Robin, I voted for passage 2. The detail about the German clock informs the reader of the narrator’s travel, but the idea that jet lag lasts a week is implausible. If it lasts longer than a day or two, there has to be another reason. Is it important? Let the reader know why.
Hmmm . . . last trip to Europe had me out of kilter for a week. Perhaps I’m not normal and will shorten the time it takes her to recover.
I think I will go with Tracy’s suggestion. It combines the two Passages and flows. Did you notice it in the comments?
Yes. It works well, too.
Changed my vote today.
‘felt like a wrung-out dishrag’ – this feels a little clichéd to me. I’ve read similar many times.
And here I thought I was original! I haven’t heard it . . .
It’s a common Englishism, though we say dishcloth.
Oh you Brits!
I voted for passage 1 yesterday
Xx
The German reference made me laugh, but it isn’t working for others!
After reading both edits and the additional third edit provided by Tracy, my votes goes to the 3rd, Tracy’s. It blends both together harmoniously.
Only one thing doesn’t feel right for me, the word ‘switched’. It feels too on/off, like there was no gradual process between the two. I was, then I wasn’t, all in the flick of a switch. I was thinking more adjusted- After a week of feeling like a wrung-out dishrag, my internal clock finally adjusted back to local time and I hauled myself to the market…
or am I being too pedantic?
No . . . you are spot on! One adjusts to a new time zone gradually. Thanks for pointing that out!
I think you can work your German clock in elsewhere. Reread your section and find a place for it. Maybe add a whole new sentence, perhaps? It pains me to cut lines that I like in my manuscript, and when I have finally concluded that they must go, I paste them into another file and come back to them later.
Your story sounds fun! Good luck with it.
Don’t they say “kill your darlings?” I never understood that advice, but I now feel the pain. Argh.
So, don’t kill them! Just let them down easy and put them in their own little private file where they can play happily together until you come back to fetch them.
It’s so much more humane.
That is perfect advice! File our favorite away for use later.
And even if we don’t ever use them, we’re not really *killing* them. It’s easier for everyone involved.
I like the thought of having the “Germans” in my back pocket.
Love the wrung-out dishrag!
I’m brilliant, right?!? Or lame. One never knows.
I still like two. I like where you’re going with number one, but the first sentence stumbles on a bit.
That is the consensus. Darn. I like the “read in German.” But it is clear it doesn’t work for others.
Period after German and drop the following and?
Hmmm . . . perhaps? Tightens the sentences up. I love this help on one stinking sentence. Or two stinking sentences as the case may be. I turned to the right group for advice!
Yes, I agree that you need to keep the dishrag and ditch the German, lol. I like Tracey’s sentence as well. Isn’t it amazing how one paragraph can make us throw up our hands in confusion?
Is it plagiarism if I use Tracy’s suggestion?
Editing is like playing with words like they are legos. I so appreciate the feedback. I hang with smart people!
I love the changes, I am going for passage one. There is a lot of imagery there and I can feel my senses coming to explore more.
I am having a hard time letting go of the “German” reference, but the comments (except yours and a few others) tell me to let it go.
How are you feeling today?
I love the reference because my imagination immediately goes to the smells and sounds.
I’m feeling great. Tied, and I sleep a lot, but I’m loving this pain free feeling. I could get use to it.
Ah . . . lovely to be pain free.
Wow. I re-read both versions and still vote for number two as I did the first time, but thought you could add the dish-rag phrase from the first version: “After a week of feeling like a wrung-out dish rag and struggling…” or something like that… but now I feel Totally Unoriginal. I agree to keep the phrase, incorporate in #2. There are at least a couple of places to easily put that dish rag. : ) ~ Lily
Hey Lily . . . while the “German” version made me laugh as I typed it, it is clear it doesn’t work for most others. The dishrag imagery is resonating with folks. That pleases me so I am comfortable losing the Germans (not the country as a whole) and using a limp dishrag in their place.
Geez. Did that make sense?
I like the rewrite. I don’t think it’s too much to read and/or digest. Especially if it flows well the paragraphs surrounding. I like the internal clock, the dishrag, and hauling yourself off to the market. I hesitated, too, on “recipe ingredients.” Possibly a “list of ingredients” or “ingredients for the recipe.”
I will play around with the wording for “recipe ingredients.” It does rather hiccup but I couldn’t see a way around it. Your suggestions are helpful.
I still lean toward Version 2. Like kford, I think the German bit is somewhat awkward. I feel like I’m tripping over it when I read. The wrung-out dishrag is a good touch, and as others have suggested, maybe you could work it into Version 2.
I came up with the line “wrung-out dishrag” because that is how I felt when we came home from Europe the last time. Did you see Tracy’s suggestion on a blend of the two? It is a winner.
It is a good suggestion. Isn’t it great to have such helpful fellow bloggers?
Indeed! This is fun for me. It is like having a virtual writing circle. I appreciate the feedback. Such a talented group I hang with!
The first version is still too wordy for me. I don’t want to read on. I know you like the German thing but it’s just too much. Clear. to the point and with a flair is the ticket for me. I’m really digging Tracy’s version. I think it captures your voice while keeping the pace and feeling.
Yes, Tracy’s wording is great! I do like the “German” bit because it made me laugh when I typed it. But getting rid of it is the consensus.
I like the changes you’ve made to passage one, but I’m not crazy about ‘recipe ingredients’ (what other kind is there?). Could you lose ‘recipe’ here?
But then it would be “shopkeeper’s ingredients” as though I am shopping for her. Right? Or do you read it differently . . .
Good point. How about ‘Austrian shopkeeper’s list of ingredients’?
I voted for passage two, but I like the ‘no longer felt like a wrung-out dish rag’ in passage one. I like the suggestion of combining the two, like you said above. As pointed out, the ‘could’ and ‘was’ are the passive voice.
“Wrung-out dishrag” is how I felt when we came home from Europe. Jet-lag, long days of walking MILES, poor sleep on lumpy beds . . .
By jove, I think you’ve got it!
Ta da! The sentence is getting closer at least.
Hi Robin. I’m sorry I didn’t vote yesterday. But had I voted, it would have been for version #2. The main reason is that version #1 is constructed using passive voice (“could only be read”). Plus in version #1 you take two sentences to say what you so succinctly say in #2. “Wrung out dishrag” is funny and in your voice. You could combine the best of both sentences with: After a week of feeling like a wrung-out dishrag, my internal clock finally switched back to local time and I hauled myself to the market to buy the Austrian shopkeeper’s recipe ingredients.
Good point about the passive voice! I like your suggestion of combining the two sentences too.
Check out all the votes for YOUR version!
Good luck!