Dad and his adorning idiotic daughter, me.
As many of you kind readers might recall, my dad fell ill in September and spent the past 5 months in ether the ICU, hospital, or nursing home. At the same time, I learned my dad hid the extent of my mom’s mental deterioration due to Alzheimer’s. I put life on hold while I attended to their health and affairs.
The good news is Dad is much improved. The bad news is Mom and Dad moved back home and Dad wants to take care of Mom on his own. Brilliant idea. But he is a stubborn coot and there was no talking him out of it.
We are all friends here, right? If I pour us a nice glass of wine for you, can I whine, whine, whine on your shoulder about something?
It is a strange when, at the ripe old age of fifty shades gray and mildew, you realize your parents don’t give a rip about you. Not strange, I guess. It is more like knife-through-the-heart hurtful.
What caused this revelation, epiphany, come-to-Jesus moment that helped me understand they don’t give a damn about me?
Here is a Reader’s Digest version of what happened today.
Ring. Ring.
Me: Hi Dad. How ya doin’?
Dad: I’m okay. I’m throwing a 67th anniversary party for me and your mother on the 5th. Can you come?
Me: No, Dad. I’m so sorry. I am out of town on the 5th. But I love you to the moon and beyond!
Dad: Whatever. Talk to you later.
Two hours later . . .
Ring. Ring.
Me: Hey Dad . . . everything okay?
Dad: No. Something terrible has happened. Your sister Kathy can’t get off work on the 5th so I changed the date of the anniversary party to the 9th. Can you come?
What the heck? I can’t make the party on the 5th . . . no big deal. Kathy can’t make the party on the 5th . . . let’s change the date!
That is when I had a talk with myself and decided I am either a (Pick one):
a) Slow learner
b) Cock-eyed optimist
c) Dingbat
d) All of the above
Your votes will be tabulated and I will report the results in a future blog post. However, none of you will see the post because you will unfollow me after reading this episode of indulgent wallowing in self-pity.
My next “I am an idiot” moment came later today.
While dad was in the various institutions recovering from every illness known to man, I cleaned their house from top to bottom to left to right. Oh boy, did it need it. I am ready to run a marathon after all the trips I made up and down the stairs with garbage and stuff for Goodwill. The washing machine may never recover and a dermatologist is treating my dishpan hands.
Call three from Dad today:
Ring Ring.
Me: Okay, Dad. Now something must really be wrong.
Dad: Yes. I don’t know if I should thank you or be mad at you.
Me: Why, daddy-o mine?
Dad: Because of all your cleaning, I can’t find my golf shirt.
Me: You have 50 freaking golf shirts!
Dad: I know, but I can’t find the golf shirt with the big stain on the front, the hole on the sleeve, and a frayed collar that curls up around my ears in a beguiling manner. You know, the one that smells bad?
I spent 2,457 hours cleaning their house, put my life on hold, and spent thousands on travel expenses to be at his and Mom’s side, and he doesn’t know if he should be mad at me or thank me?
I give up.
Thanks for listening. Would you like some more whine wine?
This post made me laugh ~ I’ll bring the wine/whine! Just remember to enjoy them though, my dad passed away last year and although I NEVER thought I’d say this, I’d love to hear him tell me what and how to do something one last time! Hugs xo
I know . . . at 89, I don’t have too many more years with them. I try to cherish the moments I’m not annoyed with my folks!
Robin,
I am doing a party on the 5th. Can you come?
Le Clown
I’ll be there!
My father-in-law has lived with us for a year now. This post resonated with me on so many levels.
God bless you. Robin Coyle. You’re on of the good ones.
A year. That has to be hard. Hard having anyone living with you for a year. You are one of the good ones too.
Sigh. With some parents, no good deed goes unpunished. I’m really sorry, Robin. I don’t have siblings but it would really stick in my craw if I did and my dad was willing to change a party date for my sister and not for me. I do not have an ideal relationship with my mother, so I feel for you. I still remember the exact moment that I realized that my mother’s concern for me exists only insofar as it relates to her. It’s hard to come to grips with that sort of stuff. If I lived near you I’d bring over booze and cake to cheer you.
At some point I realized that when my mom said she wanted me to come for a visit it wasn’t because she wanted to see me. She wanted me to see her! Subtle difference, but it is all about her. I’ll buy you a plane ticket so we can eat cake and drink booze together!
Wow, Robin. You *are* an adoring daughter; you are an amazing daughter. On one hand, I am so happy to hear they are both well enough to move back home, but on the other, I know it presents another set of challenges for you. You were a dear to do all that cleaning. If your mother could know, she would be so appreciative.
My father died at home. We were all there later that day, as were some friends and relatives. Mom got it in her head to gather her children around her in a bedroom for a few moments of just being together. I had no idea. She didn’t ask me to come. When they all came back out (four siblings), Mom saw me at the stove cooking for all of those people, and she said she forgot I was even there.
Are you an agreeable person? I tend to be. I don’t fuss. I have always rolled with the punches, and when it comes to my mother, I have always let her have her way. So, I could see where she would give deference to my sister or a brother over worrying about what I think about an event, day, or time. Could some of that have come your way, too?
I am totally a “pleaser.” I would never want to disappoint someone or let them down . . . especially my folks. They “trained” me well I guess. What I realized is that it pleases me to please others. If they don’t say they are pleased, oh well. I did what I needed to do for myself. But lately, I’m pushing back a bit with my folks. I’ll take care of their needs, but I’ll do it on MY time. Know what I mean?
Sorry to hear your mom forgot you were there. That’s gotta hurt.
I love the witty way you share this. And here I thought I was having fun just listing all the things both parents don’t want forgotten that I’m expected to remember. As for the poll, my vote’s e) none of the above.
Aw . . . you are too kind. But I think dingbat is winning the poll.
LOL! Call me stubborn – I like to go against the polls.
And that is exactly why I like you!
I know how you feel. I sometimes think the same happens to me, I can’t make it, never mind. Someone else can’t and everything on the PLANET will be re-arranged. But I’m ok about it. No problems.
Whining is good. Better out than in
And wine is better in than out.
I’d rearrange my party so you could come.
Awww, thanks
Robin if you want to come clean at my house for 2457 hours I can guarantee you a big -make that BIG- thank you!!!
Tempting offer, but I’ll have to pass. My house needs 2457 hours of cleaning.
Maybe it comes down to self preservation – we get older and our lives narrow – gotta hold on to what we (think) we CAN do or we’re lost.
His focus has narrowed and it is all about him. It worked to his advantage while he was fighting for his life.
Sounds like he NEEDS to celebrate after all the difficult weeks and months … wants to celebrate what he had and is just barely holding on to.
Dad had to cancel the big birthday party he planned in September because he was in the hospital. This is his chance to celebrate at last.
I hope it goes well.
You are certainly entitled to your whine (and wine)! I think the older our parents get, the more we do have to let roll off. I know. Easier said than done.
Yeah, I have to let it go. I can’t walk around all ticked off. It doesn’t do me any good and it will make my last years with them sour.
Oh, this is a dark comedy for sure. You write it so well.
You’re being a good daughter to an elderly man who’s trying to still do things his own way. You’re a good daughter. That’s all that matters…
And yes, I’ll take both whine and wine, please.
Yes . . . if it wasn’t so funny, I’d cry. My dad has always been stubborn (gee, wonder where I get it?) and set in his ways. Pull up a chair and I’ll pour you some wine.
Thanks, I need a glass….or two.
Speaking of stubborn…Have you read the book, ” Unbroken”? In it, we clearly see the sometimes life saving benefits of being stubborn. It’s a great quality.
I haven’t read Unbroken. Should I add it to my to read list?
Yes! Bring it to the top of your list. I’m 2/3 of the way through and it’s already on my top 10 best books of all time. I can’t put it down. It’s the true story of Louis Zamperini, former Olympic runner and POW during WWII. It’s wonderfully written and it clearly describes how his stubborn, hell-on-wheels personality as a youngster translated into survival as a POW. Just a flat-out amazing story. I won’t tell you anything else because I don’t want to spoil any of the details. Let me know if you pick it up. I’d love to swap thoughts.
I checked it out and it sounds like a book my dad would love! Great idea for a Father’s Day gift. I loved Seabiscuit so I bet I would like this too. Thanks for the recommendation. When I read it, we can have a mini-book group discussion.
Great comments, Robin. I probably can’t say anything that would be more meaningful. But one of my wine club friends, when I was complaining about something hurtful that had happened a few years back with my parents, said, “You can’t know what it’s like to be them; you have no idea what they are going through.” It kind of stopped me in my tracks.
Now, when I feel sad or bad that something has happened with them, I try to remember that it’s not easy being their age… and that one day, I will be facing similar issues…. and my kids will be hurt or sad or not understand. Our own problems always seem big until we get to the point where our parents are…
I hope you get to go to the party now. ; ) And have a glass of wine for me, okay?
I’ll admit this to you. And you alone. Don’t tell anyone. I could go to the party on the 9th but I’m not going. It would take me rearranging about a million things. I’ll go see them soon after that on my terms, my schedule. Maybe I am small, but I can’t see my way to drop everything once again. Don’t think less of me, please.
Never, Robin. These family situations are never easy or simple. Sounds like you’ll be seeing them plenty, party or no party.
Thanks for understanding my small brain.
Please forgive me for laughing but I know exactly what you mean we have a golden child in our family for whom mountains can be moved and its not me lol though of course I am expected to carry the mountains about until the other decides where they will look good…now you know why my back was bad lol
Oh yes . . . moving mountains is very hard work. Are you good at rearranging the stars too?
of course as well as parting oceans my main problem is if I bite off any more of my tongue I am gonna start speaking with a lisp
And here all this time I thought you were speaking with a British accent.
(((((Hugs))))) I have to say, been there, have the T Shirt
I always wondered why they called it ‘second childhood’ and then once I’d experienced it first hand it all fell into place
Xx
Oh gosh . . . this phase of life comes with a tee-shirt? Where can I get me one of those?
Thanks for the hugs, Vikki!
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There is lots of good advice and supportive comments here so I will just say: it is hurtful and it totally sucks. I brought another bottle for you.
Thanks, Tilly. I knew I could count on you for joining me in a glass of wine.
There is something about reaching a certain age that turns a person in to a living id. Your Dad, I’m sure, is completely unaware of how he sounds. Try not to take it personally (easier said than done, I know).
That being said, you might want to call him out on his nonsense. A well-placed, “That’s a nasty thing to say,” might be in order. It won’t change his behavior, but it will force him to acknowledge that his words are sometimes hurtful.
Oh, and by all means, pour some wine.
I’ve rehearsed in my head a way to call him out on how hurtful he was and it all sounds childish. I’m pretty sure he didn’t mean to hurt my feelings . . . I think he is just clueless.
The year my parents forgot my birthday was a pivotal moment in my adult life. And I behaved like a hurt child. Then they continued to forget it. It had very much to do with their loss of memory and that made me even sadder when I realized that was the issue. I guess I became grateful for the little things they did remember and that I had good memories of when they did remember my birthday. All in all, most parents want their kids to be independent and not clinging to them. It’s a hard lesson to learn.
My mom forgot my birthday for the first time last year. I wrote about it here if you are interested.
http://robincoyle.wordpress.com/2012/09/05/you-say-its-your-birthday/
I was sad about it . . . not because she forgot, but because she couldn’t remember.
This new phase with my parents isn’t fun, but I’ll always be there for them.
That’s exactly why I was sad. It’s not the forgetting – the loss is much larger than one silly day. Yes, all you can do is be a loving, patient and respectful daughter.
Yes . . . respectful. Mom has dementia, but she still has her dignity.
I see a lot of opinions in these comments. “The old are self-centered.” “The young are too busy.” Both sides are probably right…and wrong. Truth is, neither your father nor you, are the same person you were 30 years ago. The way we deal with our life trials and tribulations affects us. Until you have taken care of someone with Alzheimer’s, you cannot begin to understand the frustration involved. Until you’ve been the youngest child and lived as a third class citizen your whole life, you cannot begin to understand the lack of self-esteem that can cause.
From what I have read in your blog, you are a wonderful person, mother, wife, and daughter. At this point in your life, don’t question your fathers feelings for you. He may not show it, but his love for you is a constant. There are times my father says things that I truly can’t believe would come out of his mouth. I hurt for a while, but I forgive him and move on. Hang in there Robin, I am sure he did not mean to hurt his youngest. The youngest are always the brightest and the best.
Wanna guess what position in the family I fall into?
If you have Moscato, I’ll take a glass.
We youngest are the best and the brightest!
Thanks for your words of support, Dennis. It means a lot to me. I need to shake off feeling hurt and remember they won’t be around much longer. I need to treasure every moment . . . even the hurtful ones I guess.
Moscato coming right up. I’ll join you.
I agree with the others who said that it’s probably because both of you couldn’t make it that he changed the date.
The other point is that I think there is a lot of truth in the fact that role reversals take place between parent and child the older they get. When children are small, they are not the least bit appreciative of what their parents do for them. As they turn into adults, they (hopefully!) start to appreciate those things, and they in turn start doing things for their parents, and the parents are appreciative of that. As time goes on and the parents get older and older, they do less for their children and their children do more for them, and they appreciate it less and less.
Obviously it’s not always the same for everyone, but I do think it’s a pattern that occurs a lot.
The pattern you described is exactly what is going on with my relationship with my folks. Just when my job as a parent to our girls wrapped up, I had to start parenting my parents. I wasn’t fair to my dad in this post in a way. He was very grateful for all I did while he was sick. He acknowledged that I put my life on hold and he hated that I had to. Now, however, it feels like he takes it for granted. I just need to buck up and shake it off.
Oh babe, as my mum would say “the more you do for people, the less you’re thought of..” It’s probably just a case of being taken for granted, although that probably won’t make you feel fabulous (sorry!). I imagine your dad rearranged the party date because both of you couldn’t make the initial date, it just would have taken your sisters decline, i.e. the second in a row of important people who couldn’t make it, to make him realise he should change it…
I think that you need so you time. Lots of wine, some trashy reading material/films, perhaps some romantic time out with your man. Just go and do something nice for you.
Big hugs! x
Yes, perhaps he thought, “Since Kathy can’t make it either, I’d better change the date” not “I’m changing the date so Kathy can make it.” The difference is subtle, but there is a difference.
I think trashy reading material and a sappy chick flick is the perfect remedy to my sad heart. It will set the mood for a night out with my husband! Thanks for the recommendation.
My light bulb moment came years ago…Mom was only in her 50′s then…it’s TOTALLY painful…..wine away…:)
It does hurt, doesn’t it? I’m shaking it off and trying to remember the good times and all the love they’ve shown me in the past. Sorry about your mom.
We were able to mend things somewhat…but it’s never been the same…after awhile I doesn’t sting so much.
Before I realized my was developing Alzheimer’s, her behavior changed our relationship. It will never be the same because she isn’t the same and never will be a whole person again. Did that sentence make sense?
Yes it did……such a horrible stupid disease…even though it was the disease that made her act the way she did early on….I think sensitive people’s hearts get hurt..and that hurt is VERY hard to heal….no matter the reasoning behind the cause of the hurt…
My thoughts exactly.
Meh
This makes me sad. You are an AMAZING person… whether Grandma and Grandpa say it out loud or not, they know you are too. AND….. that’s why you have amazing daughter(s) 
to make you happy and show you how much they appreciate your thoughtfulness and love!
Thanks honey. I do have amazing daughters and you guys show me the love all the time. Here is a long-distance hug to you.
Oh God, the old worn out clothes thing…what is that? Mine do that too.
Yeah . . . it is like they have a manual called “How to dress like a little old man.”
I’m at a stage in my life where I am scared of that book.
You have nothing to be afraid of. You will always cut a dashing figure. Even with your pant waist up around your armpits.
Oh dear, I’m having a wine (and a whine) for you, Robin! My youngest sister is a mile-ahead favourite and I’ve know this for a long time. Parents can be so strange sometimes and I’m sure they don’t mean to be mean (if you know what I mean)
Not only is my younger sister the favourite – her children are also the favourite grandchildren which can be doubly hurtful. My niece turns 18 and my mother buys her $2,000 worth of antique gold jewelry – my son turns 18 the next week and she gives him a card containing $5. I’d seriously rather she give him nothing…
Anyway – I’m off track here. I’ve had another wine (whine). Your father probably didn’t realise the amount of time you spent cleaning the house (he’s a man after all) and regardless – they expect you to ‘be there’ when they need you. They don’t understand the amount of time, money and effort that you’ve put in, and sometimes a simple ‘thank you’ goes a long way… *hug*
Funny how parents can be so clueless about things. But now that I say that, I am a parent so does that make me clueless too? My girlfriend said, “Just put this one on your ‘I’ll never do that to my kids’ list.”
That is true about dad being a man and all. He has no idea how much time it took to get their house in order. I don’t think he saw the clutter. He probably didn’t care about the clutter either!
Sorry to hear things are lopsided in your family. It is especially hurtful when it involved your kids. I was furious when my mom started forgetting my kids birthdays.
I totally understand that. It’s hurtful and you really feel for the kids
It’s hard when parents no longer have any filters. I am sure that it wasn’t that you sister couldn’t make it but that you both couldn’t come… Hang in there girl and remember the good days….
I’d like to think he changed the date because we both couldn’t come. However, I don’t think that is the case. I have to admit I am having trouble remembering the good times right now. Sigh. I’ll get over it.
The thing about parents is…they are parents!
Mine have done and not done things for and against me.
They have all the best intentions at heart and I love them for all of it (now, that is).
However, there are just those things that not only get under your skin, but burrow into your bones and start decaying (what am image – the boy should be a writer)
I do understand and you can whine all you want.
I have some stories…
You should be a writer! I do feel the hurt burrowing into my bones. That is not healthy and will do me no good. Shake it off, Robin. Buck up and wear your big girl panties! However, I am enjoying this wallow in self-pity for the moment. I’ll let it go soon.
You have me curious about your parental unit stories . . .
Well, for instance, when I was in high school, my father informed me that I was to either be a doctor and make the bucks or be a pastor and work for God. No other choices were allowed. Mom tells me that’s not what he did, but she wasn’t there and, besides, it’s what I understood as a child/teenager that shaped it all. Things like that. I know now he did it because that’s what he views as important in life. I am not certain what I would have pursued if given full reign over things. I never was, so I didn’t choose. And, as usual for these types of things, I became neither.
And was he angry that you didn’t become a doctor or a pastor?
at the time, yes. Now, he says he is proud of me and that I am his son. I believe that. He knows I am smart and that I work hard at everything I do. It all counts and now we have both changed and understand things a bit differently.
I’m glad to hear he has accepted you as the brilliant writer that you are. He is a smart man.
lol – u drinking?
It is Tuesday, so of course I am drinking. Oh wait. Is it Tuesday? Maybe it is Saturday today. Or maybe it is March. I’m so confused.
lol.
It never ceases to amaze me how the most dutiful, caring children of the aged are taken for granted and often ignored! I love your sense of humor here though – keep soldiering on!
I like the image of soldiering on. One point I forgot to make in this post is I believe one of the worst feelings in the world it to be taken for granted.
I think my sister’s the favorite child, but it could be one of my brothers…. Sometimes we just can’t win. And it’s okay to vent about it. Maybe this is Nature’s new way of letting our parents get back at us for the teenage years and terrible twos.
Feel free to whine and enjoy a glass of your favorite vintage.
I didn’t think of that! Dad’s behavior is his sweet revenge! If that is the case, I better bloody well take it.
Shall I pour you a glass of wine as well and we can dish about your favored sister?
We went through something very similar with my Grandma. I know how you are feeling and I wish there something I could say to make it all better. However, the reality is there are no easy answers. One of the hardest things my family had to do was step back and wait for them to ask for help. It broke my heart and lead to many tear-filled days, but ultimately we realized we can only be there for them in a way of their choosing.
And no, we never received thank you’s for the things we did do, but I realized a long time ago that I didn’t really need it. Sometimes its about knowing you did the right thing and nothing more.
Sending hugs your way. When it comes down to it, we do the best we can for those we love.
Why did you have to step back from your grandma and wait to be asked for help? Was she mad about you trying to help? Family relationships are delicate, aren’t they. I’ll continue to do what I need to do with my folks, whether I am thanked or not. It is my duty and I want to do it.
Thanks for the hugs. The support here is wonderful and I am a lucky girl to still have my folks around. I know that.
We had to step back because it was a dignity issue for my grandfather. He didn’t like depending on others to take care of my grandma. The more we tried to help, the angrier he got. So, it became a question of letting him call the shots.
Sending more hugs!
And hugs back to you. Was your grandfather able to manage taking care of your grandma? Sometimes dignity gets in the way of reality.
He did for a few years, but then reality set in. Her needs became much more than he could handle, so he called for help. In the end, I think both my grandma and grandpa found some comfort in doing things their own way.
I know what you are talking about. Both my mom and dad are stubborn. Gee. I wonder where I got that from.
Ha! Yup, same thing here. I’m just like my Grandma in that I’m not going to get pushed into anything I don’t want to do!
I found this fascinating.
I’ in my mid seventies and was having lunch with two friends in their eighties. We discovered that we all envied each other, because we thought they had daughters who had time to see them and have a coffee with them. And we all discovered that none of us ever see our children. They are too busy with their brilliant careers and activities – one when she came out of hospital and a worried carer rang her next of kin, the N of K, her daughter replied – oh I’m in China, you’ll have to find someone else.
Both here and in the UK – and presumably elsewhere, age charities are finding it increasingly difficult to care for the elderly as there are so many who never see their children..
LIfe is just so demanding and frantic, that oldies get left behind.
Yours are very lucky to have you… and I still remember the rows in my childhood if my stepmother threw away my father’s ancient tattered clothes! Your father’s reaction is simply normal male…
Why didn’t I think of that . . . “Simply normal male!” Of course. That explains everything, including being oblivious that the house cleaning was a herculean effort!
There is a booming industry in elder care right now. People are living so much longer and family can’t always be counted on. However, I can’t imagine not dropping everything to take care of my folks when they need me. I’m lucky in that my sisters are the same way and we can share the load. My two brothers, on the other hand . . . well they are simply normal males. And we know what that means.
Oh no… the good news is it’s not you. It’s them. The bad news is, you’re stuck with them. They’re your parents…
It’s a great game especially as we all know it’s a set up!
It came to me late as well… Of similar age to you I beat myself up for so long for not being a good enough daughter, for putting my life first. But then I had a good hard look at it, after getting the disappointed performance one time too many…
I’m so glad you had that glass of wine… Wine dulls the edges of reality. If you drink enough (but don’t pls) it obliterates reality… and that’s what you have here Robin – reality.
I was also under the illusion that my being a daughter was special. Nup. When it suits or is convenient – yes. If not, then their life goes on. Will they tell you about the life going on part? Nup. Just the bit they want you in on.
I’m a half sister to 2 sisters and brother. The favourite mantle goes to whoever does the most of what suits the parents most. We joke about it but it’s true.
We have our own variation of revenge… whoever can do/say whatever it takes to make them, Dad especially, complain wins
I’m not a parent myself but my guess is parenting from their era’s point of view is far more pragmatic… As I small child my role was to fit in. I’m not sure why I ever thought as an adult child that would have changed.
I see today’s parents relating to and valuing their kids as equals – the goal of modern day parenthood. To my Dad that is a far fetched piece of nonsense. He’s the boss. He knows more simply by virtue of his of being the parent. It worked the same way with his parents. He did what he was told. He didn’t try to understand them. He also, sadly, didn’t have to live with them as long as an adult child so he didn’t get to try any variations of this parent-child mode.
I have a memory from when I was four-ish, I wanted to be able to do what I wanted (in this case try out some swear words with my best friend also four), ie be naughty as far as Mum & Dad were concerned. Did I care that they thought I was naughty? Hell no. My objective was to do what I wanted & not get caught, which in those day meant a hiding. I of course got caught and the hiding, but it was so much better than always trying to be good.
All of this is quite a recent realisation for me also. Once you get your head around it and aren’t so pissed off, its quite freeing.You can be you and they can be them. What you do, give, are is enough.
And as you say, your choice how to be the parent of your kids. Far better to learn the lesson than to be the lesson.
That is a great line . . . “far better to learn the lesson than to be the lesson.”
I think what I can take away from this experience is acknowledging that I am a pleaser. It pleases me to please others and I should leave it at that. If they don’t show me they are pleased, then at least I have pleased myself. I’ll continue to help my folks because it is the right thing to do. Besides, I better set a good example for my kids. They may be my caretaker in the future.
I like the image of you being naughty . . . swearing and hiding. That is spunk!
It’s true, it is in our natures to be pleasers, and in their’s to be.. well, whatever.
I spoke to Dad yesterday, who a couple of week ago. had been so pleased to receive his Rock Cakes birthday gift. He made sure to acknowledge the gift by advising they had gone into the freezer but they were like rocks. Yes, well they were fine 2 weeks ago when I made them!
I like that you found something good to take fom your difficult dad situation… that is spunk
Ha! Rock Cakes. Remind me to not ask you to make my birthday cake this year.
oh Robin. Whine whine and the WINE away. A no win for sure either way– rationally or irrationally. Either way you are a good daughter
But why does it always feel like it isn’t enough. Bah humbug.
we do it to ourselves. And we cannot stop
Is it a female thing? A youngest child thing?
maybe a female thing but mostly just a child thing regardless of where we fall– our roles stick forever
So true. All of the kids in my family have roles. Some roles were assigned and some roles we fell into.
(misunderstood, blacksheep- middle child here)
Well that explains everything then.
doesn’t it?
Wow, after these 3 phone calls from your dad, you do deserve a lot of wine, and the right to whine. I don’t know what it is with older people today (I don’t want to think they were always like that). They’re so self-centered and could care less about what’s really going on with us, and they don’t care about making an effort. I’ve had a remotely similar incidence with my own mother recently. Inviting her to visit us and seeing her grandchildren (one week in a whole year…)was apparently inconvenient and disturbing her own routine. Gosh, if I become like that when I get older, I want someone to take me out of my misery.
My friend had this to say about my situation with Dad. “Just one more thing to put on our ‘I’ll never to that to my kids’ list.” We made a pact to remind each other of the list when we become doddering old ladies. Hopefully, we won’t be selfish doddering old ladies to boot!
While we are on the bitching about parents train, may I add that my folks never sent our girls one Valentine’s card? When I have grandkids, I’ll be the bestest of the best grandma.
I could say the same thing on my end. I’d want someone to smack me really hard if I was the same as my mom and I’ll best a great grandma too! Sometimes I wonder what’s the point of having children if you behave as if you could care less.
My mom was a great mom. But, she is the role model for how to NOT be a great grandma.
Interesting. You’d think good moms would turn into great grandmas, and moms that weren’t so great would trying to be better at being grandmas. Oh well, I guess it’s not so obvious!
Okay, okay. My mom was a B- mom.
I don’t know why but I was thinking about your post again today and I think it’s because your comment on sending Valentine’s day cards for your daughters was bugging me. My own mother expects me to wish her a happy Mother’s Day every single year, but NOT ONCE has she wished me the same (let alone sent me a card). That just doesn’t sit well with me, considering how self-centered that behavior is. Again, something I’ll never do with my boys. I’ll always wish them a happy Mother’s Day. Er, I mean Father’s Day…
My dander is still up Mom never sending the girls Valentine’s cards too. Or Halloween. Or St. Patrick’s Day. Or a phone call on their birthday. She usually sent a gift, but never bothered to pick up the phone to say Happy Birthday. And like your mom, she always expected that kind of thing from me. Grrrr…..
Oh yeah, my mom never calls me, or my kids, except maybe for my birthday. Otherwise, if I want to speak to her, I’m the one who needs to call. So I don’t call much anymore. Oh well, that’s why email and Facebook are for!
Is she still in France?
Yep. And only comes here if I invite her, and she doesn’t always say yes. My poor kids don’t have the best grandparents.
Screw her. I’ll be auntie robin and come for a lovely visit. I’ll bring. Bubbles and bubble gum.
Haha, you know, I’ll be considering finding local grandparents for my kids, because I think that relationship is very important.
I’m thinking that it’s not just your mom who is suffering from some type of dementia. Having just buried my father of 91 years, I know that he wasn’t firing on all cylinders for quite some time, although he had his lucid moments. Perhaps it took awhile for the idea that neither of his children would be able to attend, and the “terrible” thing that happened was that your father realized this. As far as the golf shirt is concerned, I’m also thinking about how single focused octogenarians and older can be. But I don’t really know anything about your familial history, so your response most likely indicates that this has been a pattern of behavior for years. If it hasn’t, and these things have just come up now, I would cut him some slack. He also has been ill, and the mind doesn’t bounce back from illness at the rate it did when he was even 10 years younger. Keep in mind that he is facing shuffling off this mortal coil in the near future, something that can do strange things to your mindset. I’ve been spending much time thinking about this now that I’m an orphan. With all that said, I would still drink copious amounts of wine. It never feels good to be unappreciated.
You are right. My reaction was fueled by a increasing pattern of uninterested behavior on my dad’s part. The older my folks get, the more self-centered they’ve become. My husband would disagree and say they’ve always been self-centered and that I didn’t pay attention or was in denial about it. I think this situation was the proverbial straw for me.
I know I should cut them some slack. Heck, they, especially my dad, have been through hell and back these past months. He had every right to focus on his health and the healing process.
I’m sorry to hear about your dad. Since my folks are 89, the day the will be gone is not far in the future. I’ll continue to help them however I can, but I’ll remember that I shouldn’t expect much of a reaction from them. That’s ok. I’ll do it for my own peace of mind.
Oh dear. Sounds like you have been in the middle of ‘the favourite daughter’ scenario. Can I top you up? Kathy 1. Robin 0.
I know where you’re coming from, Robin. Been there but maybe it’s one of those age-related moments of no longer multi-tasking?
It could be. Someone here suggested he acted that way because he was simply a man.
Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. I don’t think dad was favoring your sister over you. I think he wanted both of you there and was upset when both of you couldn’t be there. She just happened to be the last of the sisters he spoke to. As for the shirt, throw some wine on one, cut it up, make it stink and give it back to him. I think doing so might be a bit cathartic for you. In fact, I’d find a bunch of his golf shirts and rip and shred and grunt and scream while doing so. I’m raising a glass of Asti Spumanti to you as we speak. I think you’re wonderful.
This whole scene reminds me of the two rival sisters in Meet Joe Black. Both loved their father so much, both were successful in their own way. The older sis got her recognition in the end, though. It was a beautiful moment. It will be the same with you too.
I’ll admit it to you . . . I did throw away a few of his articles of clothing for spite. I hated that ratty old mouse-brown cardigan. I wonder when he will notice it is gone! One good thing about purging stuff out of my folks house was I was inspired to do the same in my own. At mom and dads house, I would open a closet and think, “Really, Mom? Do you really need all that crap? I don’t want my kids to think the same thing when they come here!
I’ll have to rent Meet Joe Black. I don’t remember the sister situation. Maybe it would be good for me to watch . . .
I just love the movie a a whole. Beautifully done. And Brad Pitt was sooooo handsome.
I’ll queue it up on Netflix. As my mother would say, Brad is a dish!
You are welcome to whine and/or wine any time. It didn’t even seem like a whine with your funny multiple choice. I wish I had some wise words for you. My husband is the 3rd of 4 boys and his parents have done that and more over the years. I’m the one who sticks up for him and he just takes it. In fact, my (somewhat) fiction WIP is based on the IL’s. All I can think to say is that I feel for you, and here’s another glass of wine my kind blogger. Hugs.
My husband sticks up for me too. Or, encourages me to stand firm when my folks are asking me to do something I don’t want or can’t do. I’m better at it than I used to be. Don’t get me wrong . . . they don’t make a lot or unreasonable demands. It is just that sometimes their needs don’t fit in with what I already have on my plate . . .
Thanks for the glass of wine and letting me whine. I’ll snap out of it.
Robin,
Raising a glass of Malbec in your honor. Sixty seven years is a very long time. And it hurts when you feel unappreciated. My sense is that your Dad really wanted you there for the party, but your sister’s scheduling conflict was the wake-up call. At least that’s my story and I’m sticking to it…
Cathy
I hope that is the case, but I don’t think it is. It mimics past behavior . . . like paying for her to travel to see them, but not my expenses. I don’t know if it is because they think I can afford it but she can’t. Even if they offered, I wouldn’t take their money.
I’ve never heard of Malbec. What kind of wine is it?
Malbec is a varietal from Argentina. It’s a robust red.
And BTW, my kids take turns being the “golden child”, but they have picked one who they think is the favorite.
And are they right?
Well of course they aren’t…
. I think it’s more that its my response to their personalities. Of course I don’t yell as much at the soft hearted one, because it would reduce him to tears (really, even at 17), whereas the other two would just yell back because they have tougher skin and aren’t as easily wounded. And I appreciate that about them. But I recognize that that very thing would appear as though there is a favorite, even though they are all equally annoying, and charming in turn.
Exactly. Our relationship with each of our kids is based on their personality and how it meshes (or not) with ours.
You are an adoring daughter! May I suggest that, it wasnt specifically your sister that rescheduled the party, but the fact that two of you wouldn’t be there?
. As for the shirt, well, um, have some more wine! I sure wish we could get together this weekend!
Me too! Safe travels to you and good luck with all you have on your plate.
This adoring daughter is a little less adoring at the moment, but I’ll get over it. I will forgive him and cut him some slack. Heck, the poor guy is 89 and has been through hell and back.
Of course I just had a brilliant thought….possibly, it’s one of those things where we test the one we feel the safest with! So maybe you are just safer…
Ha! Of the 5 of us kids, I am the one who it the most frank with them. My sisters mamby pamby tiptoe around them. I say it like it is. I am never mean, I just don’t sugar-coat shit. Maybe that is why Dad isn’t worried about me making it to the party.
Ah, yes, we never stop being the child, do we? Sibling ‘favoritism,’ whether real or imagined, still stings, and lack of appreciation still burns. I guess the best we can hope is that we don’t do the same to our own children someday. Sounds like you need that glass of wine! I’ll sip one symbolically in your honor (but again, make it a beer).
My friend said, “Robin, just put it on your list of things you’ll never do to you kids.” If I do it, I made her promise to whack me upside the head.
My inner-child wanted to throw a hissy fit with him. I chose to do it here instead. Falls on floor, kicking and wailing like a banshee. Very unbecoming behavior on my part. Thanks for indulging me.
Cheers!
Blogs and hissy fits go together like chocolate and peanut butter, knees and joint fluid, scalps and hair, well you get the idea. They go together nicely.
Sounds familiar (My brother was the “golden child’…I always had to rearrange – he never did.)
It only gets more fun as time goes by so grit your teeth now. (and stock up on the wine.)
Parents get into digging their heels in – and don’t recognize the problems that exist- and that they create.
Got a giggle over the shirt.
There were some frayed and grayed items that should have been tossed out of my dad’s closet – but never dared to touch them. Familiar items and routine are a comfort -memories of happy times – so I ignored it if worn around the house…drove my sister-in-law nuts. But gotta pick your battles.
We did end up designating “going out to eat” clothes which were only worn on those occasions (the favorite child has to present/buy them and proudly hand them over…and brag how nice they look every single time those were were worn. It only works if the favorite does it.)
You know you have to do what you’ve done – you’d never live with yourself otherwise.
GOOD CHILD! GOOD CHILD! HUGS
And here all this time I thought I was the golden child . . . being the youngest and all. Come to find out, I’m yesterday’s news. My skin is usually pretty thick. This one hurt. It forced me to acknowledge other ways I’ve been dismissed by them over the years. But, I will continue to help them where I can, see them through these last years, and pick out my dad’s “going out to eat” clothes. Thanks for the hugs. I need ‘em today.
So maybe when he found out that both of you couldn’t come then that’s why he changed it. Two out of three daughters is better than one out of three. I know, I should be defending you but I’m trying to think of the reasons why he would say that to you. My mom got really sarcastic and almost mean right before she died and she didn’t have dementia. “Betty” a friend became “Fat Betty” and so on. Do the things you do for them for your peace of mind/conscience, not how they feel about it. I know when I spend tens of hours on something I create for a relative or friend and they just say, oh, thank you, it can be hurtful. No acknowledgement about how much time, how thoughtful, how creative, etc. Now I do the project because I want to do it, not what I expect that the receiver will say or think. It makes me feel better if I put myself in that frame of mind. I’m sorry this has been such a difficult six months or so for you. It will get better, my friend, it always does.
The funny thing is I didn’t clean the house because I wanted accolades. It truly needed it and the task kept my mind off my folks deteriorating health. I did it for myself too because it felt good to do something while in a helpless situation. It was therapeutic. I didn’t get upset until he acknowledged what I did by being critical.
Aw, babe … it’s not that they don’t give a rip about you, it’s that they care about themselves more … sounds hard huh? Wait ’til you get there … then you’ll understand. I’m not there yet, but I get it. So sad ~ one day we’ll all get it.
That is true. They older my folks get, the more self-centered they become. I could understand it when Dad was so sick. He fought for his life and he needed to focus on himself. I’ve put his behavior on my “I’ll never do that to my kids” list.
I would change the date of my party for you. So sorry you are going through this–no good deed goes unpunished–over and over this has proven true. I am sorry it is proving true for you too. Come on over–I have a lampshade for you and some wine….
Thanks LouAnn. I knew I could count on you for a lampshade and a glass of wine.