I am a non-practicing Catholic. My mom is quietly devout and she dragged me kicking and screaming made me go to church every single stinking Sunday. Scratchy dress, Mary Jane shoes pinching my toes, and a scarf stapled to my head with a bobby pin. If I recall, when I was a little girl back in the dark ages, mass was said in Latin. I’m not sure. I’ve tried to blot the experience out of my mind. The only thing I liked about going to church was the music. The rest of it was torture.
I now don’t like to go to church because of the music. Breast cancer took my dear friend at age 36 and she left behind three young children. Sweet Cathy’s funeral was in a Catholic church. Her friend sang Amazing Grace a cappella and it laid me low. Read: box of Kleenex worth of sobbing. Cathy’s funeral gave me Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. If I hear music in a church, I start crying. I’m like one of Pavlov’s dogs.
Mom made me go to catechism from age five until I was a teenager. The church fancied up the name and now calls catechism C.C.D. The only thing I liked about catechism was snack time. I’m scarred for life from when one of my teachers, Brother Ignatius (or some other holy sounding name), told us to draw a picture of the Virgin Mary. Crayon in hand, I was stumped. I had colorer’s block and stared at the blank paper on my desk. Brother Iggy rapped my forehead with his knuckle and commanded, “Think!” They teach that excellent student motivational technique in seminary. It is the unit after “Wielding a Ruler.”
I don’t want to get in a religious debate here, but the Catholic Church has to reform. Don’t get me started on the child abuse issue.
Is it just me, or is this a little creepy? (Photo credit: alykat)
So why, I ask you, why did I tear up when Pope Francis came out yesterday? No, not when he told the world he was gay, you silly. When he came out onto the balcony. It was the strangest thing. Me crying, not him being gay. (Let the record show, your Honor, I have no idea if he is gay.)
I dried my one tear and my next thought was, “Oh great . . . the cardinals elected another automaton.” I’ll cut the guy a little slack. I’m sure he felt sucker-punched and was thinking, “Holy shit. What have I gotten myself into?” Can the pope say shit?
Do you want to know why it took over an hour from the white smoke to getting to see who was behind door number two? You’ve come to the right place.
- The Vatican can speak to God, but they can’t predict the pope-to-be’s size. They had cassocks made in three sizes . . . Sacrament Small, Meditative Medium, and Liturgical Large. The popetress (that’s Latin for seamstress) whipped out her sewing machine and hemmed the cassock that fit Pope Francis the best across his shoulders and six-pack abs. There is a lot of material and layers involved, so the job took time. Can’t have the pope tripping on his hem at his debutante ball. Think of the YouTube hits that would generate. 2.5 seconds and it would be viral.
- Vatican scholars needed time to teach Pope Francis “The Wave.” No, not “The Wave” you do at football games. The official God-approved wave technique. Fingers together, small side to side movements, don’t look enthusiastic, keep your elbow tucked in . . . that sort of thing. Because Frannie, as I like to call him, is of Italian descent, teaching him “The Pope Wave” was a challenge. You know how Italians love to talk with their hands.
- You’ve heard of a pope room, right? According to UrbanDictionary.com:
“In a Portuguese or Italian family there is always a room that nobody goes into and sometimes has plastic on the couch. This room is designed and maintained strictly for the rare occurrence of the pope entering your home.”
“Get the cat out of the pope room. It’ll leave fur everywhere.”
“Go get the baby Jesus statue out of the pope room. I want to clean it, just in case.”
Come to find out, the Vatican has a pope room too. It is room with the balcony. Francis’s mom was there for his big day. She scolded the cardinals to stay off of the furniture in case the pope comes. She wouldn’t let Francis go out to play with his new friends, the masses, until he helped her move the furniture so she could vacuum. She gave him a dust rag and said, “Use the Pledge, not the Liquid Gold.”
I wish Frannie the best of luck in his new job. He has his work cut out for him. Little boys all over the world are counting on our new pope to keep them out of harm’s and lecherous priests’ way.
Go in peace and serve the Lord, Pope Francis. Amen.
Robin Coyle 
A rather similar situation exists here in the UK, where ALL of us have a posh, never-allowed-in-there, living room, with plastic coverings on the furniture, just in case the queen pops round for a cup of tea.
You never know when the queen might fancy of cup of tea . . .best to be ready.
How funny! Kids getting religion (some of that goes on in any church)
Not Catholic – but watch the church as a historical and political being/influence.
This is going to be interesting: a Jesuit – with leanings towards St Francis. The Jesuits I’ve know were questioning intellectuals bordering on not Catholic. (the order that throughout history went with explorers conquering and often living quite comfortably)
And on top of that he’s rather old – when everyone was looking for a young charismatic man. Some have said he’s brought in to make changes (one way or the other) and set things up for the next guy. He doesn’t look like he’s in pretty good shape and not one to step down.
The Catholic church is what it is. The next few years will be interesting to see if it sticks to things and says “this is it – if you don’t like it, leave…and feel guilty about it” or if it changes and becomes a different thing all together.
I was hopeful the cardinals would pick someone with charm and an animated personality. Maybe he is a fun-loving guy, but his appearance says otherwise. I don’t think the world wants a stand-up comedian for a pope, but at least we wanted someone we could relate to and who could engender change/reform in the church. I hope he doesn’t just pray about it . . . I hope he does something about it.
Jesuits aren’t known for joking around – we’ll see…maybe an Irish pope next time?
Now that is a good idea.
On Mon, Mar 18, 2013 at 12:11 PM, Robin Coy
Here I was, all happily ensconced in a Sierra Club lodge with 100 first, second, third, sixth, and seventh graders, their teachers, and some of their parents, when the Holy Smoke went up the chimney (and everyone yelled “Holy Smoke!!). Oh, how the pine trees sighed—in disappointment.
As a recovering Catholic (akin to alcoholism, it is something you never fully recover from), I am waiting for Holy Smoke of a different color to rise (along with the 1 billion rising). I am waiting to hear that the true do-gooders of the church, the people who are in touch with the poor and disenfranchised, the nuns–the WOMEN, have decided to pick up their marbles and go elsewhere. But alas, as with any patriarchal society, the men hold the keys to the cash (the enormous collection of fine art, the real estate, the Vatican Bank’s Swiss accounts)….so a schism would be akin to suicide–or biting the hand that holds the donation basket.
Now, I know for a fact that a highly motivated group of 6 nuns turned a tiny boarding house in the late 1800s into a nursing facility that has grown into a state-of-the-art hospital and trauma center with associated hospitals in the Midwest. The nuns who run this enormous hospital chain today could kick anyone’s ass, including the Pope’s if they wanted to do so. They are highly educated, smart, and dedicated women who work to heal the sick or soothe the pain of anyone who walks through the doors of their medical facilities. Oh, how I WISH they were running the church.
Nuns are to the church as nurses are to medicine. They do all the work and get none of the glory. They quietly go about their job, often the dirty stuff no man is willing touch.
It is hard for me to understand why they don’t allow women to be priests. They know how to run households, medical centers, balance a budget, and comfort those in need. What more could you ask for in terms of a resume of job qualifications?
Amen, sister.
They don’t allow women into the fraternity exactly because it would cease being a fraternity. They would be forced to do something instead of serving as symbolic do-littles.
Plus, if they let women in, it would be a democracy.
Thanks goodness I’m not Catholic. My house isn’t large enough to set aside a Pope Room.
That said, if the guy’s Popemobile breaks down outside my house, or something, he is more than welcome to crash on my fold-out sofa. It’s got a Bob-o-pedic mattress and everything. Very comfy. And I have Sister Wendy videos he can watch.
I am an Anglican, however, so if the Archbishop of Canterbury’s car breaks down also, the Pope’ll have to go the Super 8. No offense Catholics, but the Archbishop is my homie.
I’m sure the Archbishop finds comfort in knowing he can crash at your place should his car break down. You are so kind.
Found you from Blurt, this was well done! Memories return and I shudder along with you, a recovering Catholic myself it appears I will remain in recovery through another Pope. Francis will not reform The Church, unless a backward slide is considered reformation. In his writing and public statements he is clear where he stands on many issues.
I love Blurt!
Quite a few recovering Catholics have commented here. The church needs to take note that many raised Catholic are looking elsewhere (or not at all) for their spiritual needs.
The most political office in the world; I think it would take a lot of Franks to break through. South America is very conservative when it comes to Catholicism, and a Jesuit….hmmm, not sure about reform I’m afraid.
I grew up with absolutely no religion so the whole thing is very “dress up” to me, but interesting from a creative perspective.
All I can say is, “good luck Pope Francis. Catholics and the world are looking to you to change the wrongs of the church. The time is ripe. Can you pull it off?”
So agree your comment re a funeral giving you Post Traumatic Stress Disorder ~ did it to me too, hear a hymn and sob.
Then we can cry together.
I’m retired catholic too. I wish the man luck, but I think there are too many layers of muck to get through, if that’s what he wants to do.
CCD was brutal, the rare combination of boring and violent.
Amen to that . . . boring and violent. Exactly what we NO NOT want to teach our youth.
Oh my god, Robin – you are hilarious! “…and a scarf stapled to my head with a bobby pin” started my laughter and it was hard to stop. I had a similar childhood growing up a Presbyterian (I had to look up the spelling of that word – which shows how devout I am). I have no thoughts one way or the other on the pope, other than the disbelief that he draws such a big crowd, like some kind of over-rated pop star…
I vividly remember my mom securing the scarf to my hair and gouging my head instead! You know how those rubber bumpers come off bobby pins leaving sharp metal edges?
Did you see the photo of the crowd at the Vatican all holding up cell phones and cameras? A sea of technology photographing an out-dated way of thinking.
I didn’t watch it, Robin – but I can just imagine! 😉
“Not a Catholic” over here, so I have no idea what you’re talking about. 😉
No big loss there. Lots of mumbo jumbo as far as I am concerned. But, Catholicism fills a spiritual need for millions, so who am I to say.
The only good thing I have to say about Pope Francis is that he truly seems to care about the poor. Other than that, it seems that another outdated institution has elected an old white man to keep them outdated.
And they talk about him being a reformer. Let’s hope so.
I was raised Catholic but have no use for the church. I couldn’t care less about which old white guy they chose.
But please note the correct use of the idiom I chose. 🙂
I couldn’t care less either. But they say he cares about the poor and is a reformer so I am hopeful there will be changes in the Catholic Church. Ha! Like that is going to happen.
I see there’s not a lot to add here. An elapsed Catholic myself, I can say one thing for sure, and that is I feel sorry for Pope Francis. He’s in for a lot of controversy. I wonder how the “old” high life will change.
You are right about that. He has a lot on his plate. I hope he is effective in making changes in the church. I think that people are insisting on change will help his cause.
Lightning is going to strike you. Have we paid our homeowner’s insurance??
It’s nice that we Catholics can poke fun at ourselves, openly criticize the church and all the pomp and ceremony, but there are some heavy issues that the Vatican needs to deal with and it’s hard to imagine a 77 yr old celebate priest having the understanding and hardcore management skills to overhaul, reform…..evolve!…the church. I don’t see it happening. So, that will continue to give me the excuse to do other things on Sundays!!
Yes, we are all paid up on our homeowner’s. So lightening can strike and it can rain for 40 days and 40 nights and we will be okay. Electrocuted and soggy, but okay.
Hey Missy, watch that, I was raised Catholic too. Yup, I’m a fellow recovering Catholic. I wrote a short story about my faith, lack there of, and then its return. Except, I didn’t return to the church, just God. Funny, your childhood with catechism sounded closely similar (is that redundant?) to mine. No comments about the Pope. I feel sort of neutral about the whole thing.
I consider myself spiritual in a non-churchy kind of way. When I was a kid, catechism was taught by nuns (in habits no less) and priests/brothers. Nowadays it is taught by volunteers in the church. I think they’ve come a long way in making the religious education process more pleasant than when we were in it.
Me too … the spiritual-in-a-non-churchy-kind-of-way thing. 🙂 I’ve thought about sharing my short story about my faith on my blog, but I fear it’s a bit too personal. It starts out cute and quippy, but then it gets serious when I share a very profound spiritual experience. Maybe one day I’ll post it. Still thinking about it. Not that you needed that information, but if I ever do, I’m calling you over. 🙂
I say go for it! Why not? People like to relate to personal stories . . . like the poem you just posted.
I’m a lapsed Presby so the RC church is of interest to me, but doesn’t directly influence how I live my life. [Which, now that I write that, seems to be the attitude of my RC friends, too.] To wit, we have no Pope room in our home. Nor do I plan on adding one. But just knowing that such things exist somewhere in the world, makes me smile and gives me comfort. Gotta love the hopeful.
I too love the idea of homes around the world with a room dedicated to the nonexistent chance the pope will stop by for a visit. I can see Italian grandmothers dressed in black lovingly dusting the room while saying the rosary.
I’m not religious. But it was a great story.
Why, thank you very much!
Very funny post Robin. My husband is also a non-practising Catholic. The only time he goes to mass is when a pope dies, so he was glad that Benedict retired instead of keeling over!
Phew . . . he dodged that bullet. Pope Francis is relatively young for an old guy, so he is probably safe from going to church for quite a few more years.
I think it’s a hangover from his childhood. He won’t go near a church any other time, but a pope drops off his perch and off he goes. Maybe it’s being part of a moment in history. Francis does look very agile doesn’t he. Hopefully he will do a good job.
I love the visual of the pope dropping off his perch, like a dead canary in a birdcage.
Oh dear, it sounds very irreverent doesn’t it. I bet it feels like he is in a cage now.
It may be irreverent, but it made me laugh!
Great!
Very funny Robin. I can’t say what, but we have something in common writing wise. But, to the subject in hand, The Pope ! When will the Catholic Church ever learn? This man is 77(?) and has just one lung. Surely that must affect his stamina as much as his age does. Why not appoint someone a bit younger (at the least a century) to goose the church a bit? Someone who can talk to women about using the pill without a fit of the conniptions.(The women using the pill, the Pope having the fit).
How about a tad of reformation and dropping the celibacy so priests have a better understanding of the worlds problems instead of adding to them. Maybe even ( God forbid) a proper conversation about female priests since I’m told there are fewer priests training these days.
How about talking enforced retirement for all Popes and their prelates at an age where they can enjoy an ice cream on the beach and still remember what an ice cream and a beach are.
Since the Church is supposedly full of good men surely there must be a younger one suitable for the role of Pope or are all the hidebound wrinklies currently in post afraid of any change?
I even find it worrying that a Pope can’t be a man too where he expresses himself as a person and not as an automaton. Francis should remember he’s in charge now and start preparing the church for future change in the 21st Century instead of retaining the 15th.
Amen! You hit the nail on about a dozen heads here. The pill, abortion, marriage, women priests, a pope with a personality, etc. I’ll add another. They need to stop covering up child sexual abuse offenses and go after the offenders with a heavy hand. Not only is the act of child abuse reprehensible, the “protecting their own” makes my blood boil. Thanks for the great comment here.
Interesting you should say we have something in common writing-wise. How so? I think I’ll pop over to your place to see for myself!
Bwahahaha, thanks for the laughs! All these rituals seem so outdated in our 21st century, don’t they?
Glad I made you laugh! I love it when that happens.
The best thing the Vatican could do is let females in to do something other than cleaning the place.
I was going to make a joke about pedophily being a job requirement, but I might offend some people…
*pedophilia*, argh…
I knew what you meant. With the way child sexual abuse is rampant in the Catholic church (and others?), you’d think it is a job requirement. Glory be to God.
you crack me up
I crack me up too 🙂
You are too funny… oops I think I’ve told you that before. I must be getting old, I keep repeating myself. I wish the new pope well, he’s got quite a job ahead of him 🙂
You can tell me I am funny as many times as you like.
You know, I don’t remember this much talk about how much the pope has on his place when Benedict was elected into pope-dom. Do you? Maybe that means that now they will be forced to make changes.
I like the Pope Room, Robin. I can see it perfectly in my mind. And dear Francis has his work cut out for him.
I can see the pope room in my mind too . . . complete with an pious Italian grandmother dressed in all black guarding and the room with her life for when the pope drops in for a glass of chianti.
I can’t stop laughing!!!! This was great! A bit irreverent, but funny at the same time. I am a practicing Catholic and work in a Catholic school. The excitement yesterday was over the top at our school. Tests were postponed, recess forgotten and all eyes were on the television screen waiting for the new pope to come out and greet the world.
As for the plastic on the couch…all my East Coast Irish relatives had plastic on their “good” furniture. I guess that their furniture was covered for the same reason. Those of us on the West coast didn’t ever expect the Holy Father to visit we heathens!!
I’m so glad I didn’t offend you. I wonder how many Catholics I did offend. Since you are the only practicing Catholic who commented, as far as I can tell, I suppose I drove Catholics off en masse. The post was flippant but offered opportunities for some good-natured joking around.
Recess was forgotten at your Catholic school? That means the announcement truly was a big deal!
I’m still reeling from the amount of media coverage this received. I’m happy for the white smoke. Maybe now something else will be on the news…
Did you see the photo of the crowd and EVERYONE is holding up with camera or phone? A sign of the modern times. Now the church needs to get modern.
I don’t remember it being such a big deal media-wise with Pope Benedict.
Me either.
I think the media attention is because the resigning Pope (the German Shepherd) was involved, as a Cardinal, in the investigations of so many priests. He knows more than anyone else, and his resignation–not death–speaks volumes for his culpability. I’m not sure that I can wish him “godspeed” as he retires to his country home to read and write in peace. So many kids lived through so much horror at the hands of priests who were protected by layers upon layers of holy cloth, adults who are still reliving their personal horrors every day (if they haven’t already committed suicide), that I cannot in good conscience absolve him of his “sins of neglect.”
But then, I shouldn’t pretend to have the power of absolution. After all, I am just a woman, someone who could never be a priest.
Now Robin, I do know some nice priests. I just abhor the false hierarchy that is determined to maintain the status quo.
My husband called Pope Benedict a coward for resigning so he doesn’t have to deal with the sexual abuse issue. I agree with you re: his culpability. Shameful. The good priests out there are getting a bum rap because the church isn’t dealing with the bad ones. We are left to believe all priests prey on little boys.
I’m not sure how to comment on this one. Having flashbacks to my Catholic school days…
I had the same flashbacks.
Shivers…..