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Chicago Manual of Style, Grammar, Grammar Pet Peeves, Mignon Fogarty, writers, writing, Writing Advice, writing tips
Together we are slashing needless words and weak verbs. I thought we should lighten the load by throwing in some amusing takes on grammar rules. Because they are priceless, I will give it to you in two blog posts.
High school was eons ago, and although I was in Honors English, Mr. Julian Julian (yup, that was his name) didn’t make me diagram a single sentence. When editing my book I decided I should bone-up on “passive voice” and “split infinitives” (still not sure what the heck that is). I referred to serious tomes such as The Chicago Manual of Style, as well as the breezy and insanely popular Grammar Girl’s Quick and Dirty Tips for Better Writing by Mignon Fogarty. I also turned to our friend Mr. Google because he knows everything.
I thought I found the definitive site for all things grammar at curiouser.co.uk. When I read down the list, I was chuckling by the fourth “Rule” and gaffawing by “Rule” seven. You will see what I mean.
For those of us who cringe when we hear a preposition at the end of a sentence, this list is like fingernails on a chalkboard.
Oops, I broke the “Rule” about not using clichés.
Sorry.
Oops, I broke the “Rule” about one-word sentences. So sorry again!
Enjoy!
Rules for Writers
- Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
- Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
- And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
- It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
- Avoid clichés like the plague. (They’re old hat.)
- Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
- Be more or less specific.
- Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
- Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
- No sentence fragments.
- Contractions aren’t necessary and shouldn’t be used.
- Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
- Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
- One should NEVER generalize.
- Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
- Don’t use no double negatives.
- Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
- One-word sentences? Eliminate.
- Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
- The passive voice is to be ignored.
- Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
- Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
- DO NOT use exclamation points and all caps to emphasize!!!
- Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
- Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
- Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed.
- Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
Thank you to Jenni Larsen for submitting these rules to curiouser.co.uk.
Robin Coyle 
Pingback: Some humorous grammar rules to make you giggle… | Peters Place
If you can’t win an argument, you can also call the other person names. lol
It is a effective tactic. Think how the politicians use it.
Really enjoying your walk through grammar, Robin.
So glad to hear it. Stay tuned. I will be torturing you with more!
Whomever you are, Stanley OR Livingston, please soldier on.
Huh?
I remember how I felt I did not really learn grammar until I took Advanced Grammar in college. We branched out the sentences. I enjoyed doing it. I do not know whether or not I should admit such a thing. No matter how much I learn, there are always rules I need to check on or remind myself. Great post! It made me smile!
So glad it made you smile. I wish Mr Julian Julian made us diagram a sentence. He was a task-master, so I wonder why we didn’t.
Pingback: Grammar Rules Can be Fun – Part 2 « Robin Coyle
I still remember my college prep writing instructor’s example of “eschew obsfucation.” God, he was tough, but good. And the only sentence diagramming I did was in 8th grade English with an “old school” teacher. But her lessons are still paying dividends!
I guarantee if anyone writes a novel with no contractions or sentence fragments, the chances of finding an agent and readers are close to nil. (Maybe literary fiction is an exception.)
How many rules did I break in this reply? 🙂
Wow. “Eschew obfuscation” is a mouthful! I’ll remember that one and use it at cocktail parties to impress all my friends. Excuse me, former friends.
These are the sort of rules where if you follow them all, you’ll be writing a user manual for your tv. It is words with some meaning, but not very interesting and with not much personality.
I bit like reading the telephone book for pleasure.
These are great. I break many rules–my favorites are the occasional incomplete sentence for emphasis, starting a sentence with a conjuction, and some alliteration. But I try to adhere to the really proper rules. After all, I have to maintain some level of respect…
I like incomplete sentences too. And starting a sentence with and.
Nice info. BTW, ending a sentence in a preposition isn’t always bad. I’m just careful to make it a rare occurrence. Also, on commas … they must always go in front of independent clauses. Here’s a link to some info on commas.
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/02/
Because of my problem with commas, I already bookmarked the Owl site. I overuse commas and as a result am paranoid about it. I put them in, take them out, put them back, and end up rewriting the sentence so there isn’t a need for a comma! Pathetic.
They also say put a comma where you “pause” in the reading. I pause a ton!
I love these. Humour is a great way to learn, and it gives you permission to laugh at yourself for the occasional mistake rather than beating yourself up!
The above “rules” were cleverly written. I bet she had fun putting the list together.
Hi, Robin. Great post! The split infinitive: an example, to boldly go. In other words, separating the infinitive verb, to go, with an adverb. Big no-no in the past — apparently Star Trek fans don’t care! Just be careful not to carelessly split, nor to easily ignore, such a writing misstep! 😎
Ha ha! Star Trek fans are rule-breakers!
12 years of Honors classes and I’m still a terrible speller and I hate grammar rules. Lol
Thank goodness for spellcheck, eh?
I’ve read this somewhere before, but it still bears repeating. *giggle*
Yes, it is a giggle for sure!
Oh, some of those rules were “like fingernails on a chalkboard”, but others, as Doris sings it Que Sera, Sera 🙂
Just think . . . the current generation of school children have no idea what “fingernails on a chalkboard” means with the advent of whiteboards!
My comment went bonkers. It disappeared. This is a test.
This one made it. Your other one was in spam. Argh! I’m sorry. Contact Askimet right away.
Hi,
Loved the writers rules. 😀
“Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.” this one did bring on a smile.
I liked the one on all CAPS and exclamation points. GUILTY AS CHARGED!!!!
I probably make every mistake on the list, thank heaven for editors!
Thank heaven for editors and the delete key.
‘Irregardless’: I thought was banned eons ago; the only word which makes me want to destruct—Mission Impossible, anyone?
Tess – This one was in spam. Your “test” comment wasn’t! I fixed my problem by going to Askimet tech support. I filled out a form and heard from them a day or two later. It took a couple tries, but they figured it out. I received an email from a human who dug into the problem.
Oh, “irregardless” drives us bonkers. Aaack! Love your “rules”. : )
Ha Ha! Irregardless of your comment, I am happy you stopped by. Aaack is right!
Sorry for the typos. Geez. The solar eclipse made my typing go wonky! Fixed them tho.
Oh, divinely grammatical disciplinarian, I’m in trouble … :).
Not you! Never, always, not people, just like, I got or have you! “Ouch,” she grins.
Oh TWLG, you make me smile. Thanks for hanging here!
Hi dear, aint it grand to have a laugh?
Yes, especially since during the solar eclipse I thought we were all going to die. Did you get to experience it?
Strike the “get to” experience it. Did you experience it?
No. Nor did I hear about it. Tell!
Hmmm…I thought I replied to this. Where did it go?
Last night’s solar eclipse made it look the the world was ending. The light was strange and the air was still. Very cool but a tad scary!
You did dear = it came by email!
I think it must have been visible only in your hemisphere. What a shame. I love those celestial occasions: somehow they link me (us) to the ancients, the pre-ancients. Perhaps I’m not as terrified, standing there, defenceless against the universe, but my insignificance, when measured against that power produces the same awe.
Apropos of which, did you see this photo essay of the gathering (and some wonderful photographs of the event itself)?
http://winsomebella.wordpress.com/2012/05/21/me-chasing-moon-chasing-sun/
Yes, and I commented, didn’t I? Or did that end up in cyber-weirdness too?
Perhaps it went by e-mail?
No, really? Now what WordPress!?
Something akin to your time in the spam bin? I told you your eclipse comment came to me via email?
And it made my typing all wonky. I made tons of typos on comments while the eclipse was happening. I NEVER make typos. Wink, wink.
Perhaps the celestial occasion has affected your WP connection too?
Ah me. What time is it where you are?
9.28 Tuesday morning.
Then wish me good night. I am soon headed off to bed at 9:00 Monday California time.
Oh, how I wish we could meet for a drink!
We’ll organise that one day:) Sleep well – see you on the other side.