Go Team USA!
Image Courtesy of Freedigitalphotos.net
I believe the Olympics are usurping my blog readers. What a slow day for traffic! You mean, watching world-class athletes compete is more entertaining than reading my blog? I never. Oh wait, that is what I am doing too.
As such, this is a good day to do my first poll. Hope it works!
Think of the poll as awarding Gold, Silver, and Bronze medals in Robin’s little writing world.
I have been blessed with a dozen beta readers. Two of which made their comments and suggested edits on hard copy. It took me a full day to read through, and accept or reject one reader’s notes. One of her edits stumped me, and I need your help deciding if her suggestion is better than what I wrote.
Below are the two versions. No, I’m not “telling” which one is mine lest it sway your vote.
A short backstory to the selections is: My main character traveled to Austria on business. While there, she searched for a recipe for beef stroganoff similar to her mom’s. She persuaded a shopkeeper to share her recipe with her.
Passage One: Back on United States soil, my internal clock could only be read in German and it was a full week before it reset. Back on local time, I hauled myself to the market to buy the Austrian shopkeeper’s recipe ingredients.
Passage Two: After a week of struggling to get my internal clock back on local time, I hauled myself to the market to buy the Austrian shopkeeper’s recipe ingredients.
Robin Coyle 
I’m capable of multitasking, so I watch the Olympics, blog, read blogs, like and comment on blogs, and even give Zoey the Cool Cat a tummy rub.
How talented you are! Go Team USA!
They (and I don’t know why “they” are) claim that the Olympics are supposed to bring the world together in sports. If that were true, we wouldn’t have “Go Team USA!”. I thought it interesting when I was watching tennis that names were not used in the little scoreboard in the corner of the screen. In non-Olympic events, it would have been Federer and Murray. At the Olympics, it was Swiss flag against British flag. As with religion, I think the Olympics tear the world apart more than bring it together.
I didn’t notice that about the score on the screen.
I like to think of the Olympics as a friendly competition and a chance to showcase world-class athletes, being the starry-eyed dreamer that I am!
As we saw with the US-Argentina men’s basketball match, the Olympics are anything but friendly. We could throw the 1972 Olympics in there, too.
Hmmm . . . when did we boycott the Olympics? 1980?
Yes, and then most of the Communist countries boycotted the 1984 Olympics in Los Angeles. Tit for tat.
I hope it wasn’t too late for me to vote. I wasn’t here when this post came out. In case you’re interested, I voted for #2 it seems neater, less complicated to me.
Never too late. Did you see the suggestion Tracy made? She blended the two together and then a couple other people suggested tweaks. Perfect! I’ll pop it in a post. It was fun having folks weigh in. And, helpful!
Okay… now I see it. Yes, that better.
Great idea for the poll. I didn’t read any comments until after I voted and ended up in the majority. #2 for me. Is there any way you can find out who voted for the Stinks category so you can hunt them down? Maybe that could be a book on its own 🙂 Blogger hunting down bad polling data. 🙂
The person who voted NO to both didn’t leave a comment. I wish they did.
I like how you think . . . hunting them down and nailing them to the floor! Excellent idea for a crime novel. I say you write it!
I’ve already put that one into my notebook. 😉
I’ll buy it!
What’s a beta reader?
A beta reader is someone who reads your work and gives feedback. It best to have someone who doesn’t know and love you read your manuscript, and therefore more likely to give honest comments. The process is a little nerve wracking but very valuable. They see things you don’t because you are too close to your writing.
I did this for years as part of an online critiquing group; never knew it had a name!
It was a new term to me too until I starting blogging and reading writer blogs.
The first passage sound clunky to me and there’s the repetition of ‘Back on” in the first two sentences.
Yup. Clunking. Check out today’s post.
Pingback: Help Me With An Editing Decision ~ Round Two « Robin Coyle
#2 is more succinct. I like it better because of that.
#2 is taking the Gold Medal so far.
Hey, you may have already decided, but passage one starts two sentences in a row with the words “Back on.” Just thought I’d point that out. I wish I knew how to set up a poll. Pretty cool.
I didn’t notice #1 has two sentences in a row with “back on.” How did I miss that?
Embedding the poll in the post was easy. On the left sidebar, click on polls. There are a number of styles to pick from. You will in blanks with your poll question and the answers people can vote on. Then click “embed into a new post” and voila! A new screen opens up and you can insert your post content. The poll box doesn’t show up until you hit “preview post” or “publish.”
The process was self-explanatory but it took me one trial run.
Thanks for explaining the poll thing, Robin. I’ll have to check it out when I get a chance. I’m super excited because I’ve been writing chapters like crazy. I haven’t been on a roll like this in a while. Woohoo!
Good for you! Jealous! I am contemplating turning off my blog until I finish my edits on my novel and pull the Strong vs Weak Word series into book form. How do you manage writing, writing blog posts, and reading and commenting on blogs? Sooooooo time consuming/distracting!
When I did today’s poll I realized I failed to tell you that you need to save the poll before the “embed poll” button shows up.
Trust me, I have very little time for both. I only write two chapters a month. A girl in my writer’s group writes about 4 to 8 chapters a month. She is an indie publisher and also promotes her work. I don’t know how she does it. I’m blogging 3 days a week on my own blog, but have considered cutting back. I’ve decided to make one day a week just a short quote or poem. Actually, getting these two chapters done in a month is a new thing for me. I was doing much less before (because of blogging and health issues), that’s why I’m so thrilled to even get two done. The thing is, I write a chapter and then edit it. I have to in order to submit to my writer’s group. Yikes, this is getting long. Sorry. Good luck.
There is NO WAY to do it all. I see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel on my edits. I’m considering a blog break until I’m finished and I’ve pulled together the Strong vs Weak Word series into book form. I am reticent to do so because my blog has gained a following. But . . .
I know what you mean, Robin. I worry about losing the following too, and it’s why I keep posting on my blog. We’ll stick together though, and come back no matter how long it takes. 🙂
So true! There are folks, like you, I would read even if I took a bloggy break.
Robin,
What is Austria?
Le Clown
Rent the movie “Sound of Music” and you will learn all about Austria. And “do re mi.”
Don’t like the repetition of ‘back on’ in passage 1. And shorter is almost always better 🙂
Funny, but I didn’t notice the double “back on-s.” I’m a stickler for repeated words. How did I miss that?!
Out of direct context with the ajoining text either side, it wasn’t too easy, but I think there is better flow in the second text, without missing the message.
Passage #2 is winning the race!
I like passage two because you buying Austrian ingredients and having been jet lagged for a week leaves me to assume you were in Europe. If it’s the opening passage to a chapter, then you can add the details in later – I think. And I am not watching the Olympics – I find watching sports on TV to be rather boring 😀
The passage does not open a chapter. There is back story to her trip to Austria and searching for her mom’s recipe leading up to going to the store to buy the ingredients when she gets home.
Did you watch the Opening Ceremony?
Hahaha. Not even – too busy with work. I heard it was a great one. Maybe I’ll check parts of it out on youtube.
2 sounds more like you. 1 is interesting, but winds up cumbersome.
Glad I’m not the only one with slow traffic 🙂
My blog traffic picked up late in the afternoon but it still was a strange day. The whole summer has been off kilter.
Others agree with you that Passage 1 is cumbersome.
Yes, my blog traffic is slow too but I had a blonde moment and didn’t even think about it being b/c of the Olympics. Duh! Loved your poll–I voted for #2 b/c it just flowed better for me~cheers!
Today’s traffic seems a bit more normal. How about for you?
#2 has the most votes by far!
Okay, on first read, I thought #2 read much more cleanly. When I read it again, though, and compared it to #1, I realize that it also lacks something. It’s somehow antiseptic. #1 is more interesting inherently.
So now I’m going to say that I would enjoy seeing a rewrite of #1, or a punch-up of #2.
While a tad cumbersome, I like the “voice” in #1 better. Let me see if I can iron our the wrinkles. #2, while cleaner, feels flat to me.
We are in agreeance!
Aren’t we smart!?
I like the language of the first and the simplicity and casual element of the second. Very hard to decide here Robin. I think sometimes we like to read an easier sentence but then I like to come across something that allows me to get my head into it and concentrate more. I can’t choose.
I can’t choose either! That is why I prevailed upon all you smart people.
I prefer passage one, which is richer and more detailed but I would change the start of the second sentence to read ‘Now on local time …’ or anything to avoid two ‘back’s so close together. The second passage is more concise and perhaps for some easier to read but loses a little in the paring down.
I think you’re right re the Olympics, Robyn, but hey, I’m watching them too 🙂
BTW will you tell us which passage is yours in due course? *intrigued*
Yes, the two “back on-s” doesn’t work. I think that can be fixed. I am going to play around with it some more.
I will certainly be telling you which one is mine. Watch for it later today.
Passage number two flows so much better and I can “see” what’s happening. 🙂
Passage #2 is the winner so far by a great margin.
I am guessing that #2 is yours — simple and to the point, and no nonsense!
You will find out later today!
twas hard – both have their good points – second one clear, but first one in context might be better
Maybe I should have given more context . . .
Two definitely. Streamlined (as you always recommend) and still visually enticing, as well as less cluttered.
Passage #1 is cluttered but I like the play on words. I’ll be posting about the poll results later today.
I didn’t vote either. I’m too late to give a unique perspective, but I like aspects of both. The internal clock being read in German was clever, but the back/back references kept me from voting for #1. The second passage flows well, but I think I would like #1 better with a bit of a rewrite. Oh, I just saw that Ditmer beat me to it. Go with him. 🙂
Oops, two t’s. Dittmer — T. W. Dittmer.
The double “back on-s” doesn’t work, but I like the play on words.
Posts have been a bit light on… I hadn’t thought to attribute it to the Olympics…hhhhmmm. I preferred #2 for the same reasons as many other other commenters: “Back on x 2″… uh uh; I also had to read #1 twice; #2 was neat but my take on it …. “Back on United States soil I struggled for a week to change my internal time zone from Central Europe Time to [Eastern Standard Time], before managing a trip to the market for the ingredients needed for the Austrian shopkeeper’s recipe” 🙂 … good luck, it’s harder than it looks 🙂
Traffic picked up in the late afternoon but not normal. In fact, the whole summer has been slow.
The two “back on-s” is an issue. Watch for a post about the poll later today!
I liked passage two. I had to re-read passage one a couple of times before I could understand what was being said. The other aspect I didn’t like about it was that both sentences started with ‘back’.
Yes, slow, slow, slow.
Not that I am happy your traffic is slow, but it is good to hear. I was feeling so lonely!
I can’t believe I didn’t notice the two “back on-s.” That kind of repetition usually jumps out at me.
I didn’t get the German reference. Plus I am alway a fan of word count and the clean and concise. Gutsy one didn’t seem to flow as well. Second one made more sence.
They speak German in Austria.
Watch for the poll results later today!
I can’t vote! I like passage one because it has a more interesting voice, but I like passage two because it is more concise. My question– the reason I can’t vote– is, is it necessary to the story to know how long your character has been back to the US and her struggle with the time change? I need more connection between that and shopping for ingredients– maybe a little something about how she’s not eating breakfast for dinner anymore. If you add the connection, then I vote for the first one.
Thank you for providing an explanation of the low traffic today. I thought my blog forgot to put on deodorant or something.
Perhaps I should have provided more context. I’ll think about your question in tweaking that section.
Ha ha! Your “blog deodorant” comment made me laugh out loud. Traffic was weird yesterday. I was so lonely!
I voted for passage two because it was easier to read and more concise. But I like the humor in the first passage. I like T.W. Dittmer’s advice to hack away at the first one to keep the humor but concise-ify it. No problem, right?
Am I supposed to be having “fast blog days”? Dangit.
LOVE the word “concise-ify! May I use it?
The “fastest” blog day I had was when I posted about the recent spam deluge. Geez Louise. I may change the theme of my blog from writing to spam issues.
Hack away at the first one. The clock in German is too good to let go of completely.
I like the play on words with “clock read in German” too.
I think it’s too good to toss, but I’m not an editor. 😛
I like the second one best. I feel the first one is too wordy. It slowed the pace of the story down for me. The reader knows your character was in Austria. They know your character’s internal clock is going to be on European time. it’s a given. The first one feels repetitive of the facts. I like the tightness of the second one but I think it can be beefed up by maybe having your character reviewing the list of ingredients. Is she enthusiastic about going to market or full of dread? You want to move your character forward, not reiterate to the reader what is already known, if that makes sense. Just my two cents worth.
Great elements for me to thing about. Passage #2 seems dry to me but spicing it up with your ideas will help.
Choosing between the two was tough. At the end of my internal decision making the second passage won the gold. I liked the first, but the second flowed better, easier to read.
Passage #2 is in the lead by a long shot. It does flow better.
Oh goodie–editing!
No, editing is not my favorite task either, but, like clipping toenails, it must be done.
My comments: Re passage #1, I wouldn’t begin two sentences with “back on…”, especially when they are “back to back.”
You might want to look at the context of the larger passage again and try rewriting the sentence a few different ways.
Now, back on to the couch to watch the Olympics! (Not really. I might read some of your older posts, instead.)
Thanks for your input. The “back to back’ doesn’t work.
If you did read some of my older posts yesterday, I thank you. I wondering if blogger around the world conspired to not follow me anymore! My fragile self-confidence was taking a blow!
Well, this post generated a surge of hits and comments! But you’e not the only blogger out there who has noticed a drop–a summer time drop. So, buck up, Robin!
By the way…what did you decide to do with that sentence, huh? We’re all waiting in the wings to hit you again when that post comes out. *grin*
Buck up, I shall! Nice to hear others are slow too. Well, not nice exactly, but you know what I mean? Comfort in numbers.
I will post about the poll later today!
Ohh the second. Nice and flowing.
Hey Sarah! Nice to see you again! I went to you blog to see when you last posted in case I somehow wasn’t getting notices of your posts. I see you are on a lovely break and writing. How great!
Passage #2 does flow better.
I’m hard at it Robin, and in need of some therapy I’m sure. But things are coming together. I’ve been thinking about you and your words. 🙂
You poor girl . . . therapy is the perfect cure for kicking my voice out of your head!
How about a drink to go with the voices?
You are on! Cheers!
Of course, I might change my mind if I saw the preceding and following text. 😉 But I think the second one reads more easily and still lets the reader know that the protagonist needed time to readjust.
For summer, this is a good day for me. But easily 75 percent of my views came in between midnight and one o’clock am. Someone checked out lots of my posts then and must have kept going to the home page in between. Since then? V … e… r … y … slow, indeed.
How did you know what time your views came in?
More context might have helped set the scene, but I was afraid to give more for fear readers would say, “Whoa, WAAAAAY too many words on this post and hit delete.
That morning I looked at that tiny 48-hour graph in the upper lefthand corner of my WordPress page. I counted back the ticks to see when that big spike was. When you refresh your page, the current hour is at the far right of the graph.
Ah ha! I’ve noticed that tiny graph but didn’t know how to interpret the thing. I wish it was bigger.
When you hover over the graph, a number appears that is the high number of views during that 48-hour period. And yes, I wish clicking on it would bring up a bigger version of the graph rather than the full stats page. 🙂
Ooh – hard to vote! I like aspects of both of them I have to say. I know you asked for a vote but you’re getting my two cents worth, nonetheless!
I feel like passage 1 is yours – I might be wrong… If you keep that I would suggest changing United States to US because I think it’s too long otherwise. I mean, there’s already the use of repetition within that passage and I think initials would make it lighter, neater, you know?
As for passage 2, I like the conciseness of this one. I think it gets straight to the point, although I fear you miss the additional details from the previous passage… Hmm, actually I’m not much help, am I?
Okay, one more read through and my decision is… (I actually re-read them a few times). It’s tough, Robin, I like them both for different reasons. I like the imagery of the character’s body clock. I really like the second but it’s just over too soon… Okay, go with the first and change it to US.
Wow, did I just repeat my original comment?! Sorry! See that deliberation there… Yes, I must be one of the few Brits not watching the Olympics!
Don’t let the Queen know you aren’t watching!
Your point about changing it to US is good. Like you, I am torn. Hence, the poll. I like the imagery in Passage #1 and I like the neatness of Passage #2. Watch for the results in a post this afternoon.