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Señalización de lugar de votación en Californi...

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If you missed yesterday’s post, click here. I asked for your help deciding between two sentences in my novel. I like both passages for different reasons. Being feint of heart and unable to choose, I turned to you smart people.

America has voted and the results are in. Dim the lights please . . .

Passage One with 6 votes or 14.63%: Back on United States soil, my internal clock could only be read in German and it was a full week before it reset. Back on local time, I hauled myself to the market to buy the Austrian shopkeeper’s recipe ingredients.

Passage Two with 34 votes or 82.93%: After a week of struggling to get my internal clock back on local time, I hauled myself to the market to buy the Austrian shopkeeper’s recipe ingredients. We have a winner!

Both passages stink. Do over, Robin! with 1 vote or 2.44%.

Which one did I write? Drum roll please . . . Passage One.

The biggest complaint about Passage One was both sentences began with “back on.” That was an oversight on my part. In a blurry-eyed round of editing, I tweaked the sentences and left fragments behind. There is such a thing as “editing fatigue.” If you edit/write for ten hours straight, it is time to take a break!

The six voters who like Passage One found the imagery and play on words interesting and that Passage Two is antiseptic. Several of you said the sentences sound like me.

The majority of you like the tidiness of Passage Two. The sentence is concise and flows better. Many of you guessed Passage Two was mine and sounds like me. You know . . . all my preaching about being tidy in our writing.

Context was an issue for some and wanted more information. I chose have the sentences stand alone in the voting because I didn’t want to scare you off with too many words to plow through. I know context would have been helpful.

I tweaked Passage One; time for another round of voting.

Passage One Revisited: Back on U.S soil, my internal clock could only be read in German and it was a full week before it reset. When I no longer felt like a wrung-out dishrag, I hauled myself to the market to buy the Austrian shopkeeper’s recipe ingredients.

Passage Two: After a week of struggling to get my internal clock back on local time, I hauled myself to the market to buy the Austrian shopkeeper’s recipe ingredients

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