Photo credit: freakgirl
Today is my birthday and I am sad. Am I thrilled about being another year older? Nope, but as they say, it is better than the alternative. I’m not throwing myself a pity party here.
Why am I sad? No card or gift from my mom. Nothing. Not even a phone call. I don’t care about not getting a gift. I have everything I need.
So you ask again, “Why are you sad, Robin?” I am sad my mom forgot my birthday because she is in the early stages of Alzheimer’s Disease. She has good days and bad days, good moments and bad moments, but she is on a spiral of decline with no eject button.
Her condition is hard on my dad. She cares for herself, makes the bed, walks the dog, etc., but forgets something he told her within minutes. For example, he said, “ We need to leave for the theater now,” and they walked out the door. One minute later when she was seated in the car she said, “Where are we going?”
Mom and Dad have been married 66 years. Dad is a patient soul and loves my mom dearly, but her memory loss is trying. He gets mad at her, and then is mad at himself for losing his patience. My sister gave him the book Living with Alzheimer’s and other Dementias to help him cope and understand why this once spirited woman is a shell of her former self.
Again, I’m not sad Mom forgot my birthday. I’m sad because there isn’t a cure and I am losing my mom.
Why didn’t Dad send a card or call? That is a topic for another pity party.
Any words of wisdom for my family in this new phase of our lives?
Robin Coyle 
Oh, and by the way, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wFh-rX_Sfhs
Although I feel for you, remember that there’s always someone worse off. My mom gave me away when I was 10 back in December 1965. I saw her once after that, in 1994. She died in February of this year.
Folks, if you have relatives, and you’re on good relations with them (I’m estranged from both sides of my family), cherish every minute with them!
My Grandmother suffered from Alzheimer’s disease and more recently my father-in-law had dementia. They are cruel diseases and not enough is being done to eradicate them.
Anyway. A belated many happy returns. I hope you enjoyed the rest of your day.
I agree that not enough is being done to cure Alzheimer’s and other dementias. It was hardest when Mom knew something was wrong, but didn’t know WHAT was wrong with her. That is when the anger set in. My condolences about your grandmother and father-in-law.
My birthday turned out just fine.
Thank you. I’m glad your birthday was alright.
I’m so sad for you, Robin. My dad died at 64 of lung cancer and I was relieved, because I suspected he had Alzheimer’s and the cancer was quicker. Alzheimer’s is a brutal illness.
I hope you managed to have a good day anyway.
So sorry to hear about your dad. I know you lost your mom too.
Pingback: Parenting our Parents « Robin Coyle
Really feel for you Robin, my pa had it for a couple of years before he passed away so know what you’re going through.
Hope you had a good birthday ~ wishing you all the best for the coming months 🙂 x
I know we’ve chatted several times today, but I am catching up on comments. So sorry to hear about your dad. What a cruel disease.
Remember that Cris worked for a start-up that was trying to develop a test for detecting the onslaught of early Alzheimers? Currently the only sure way of determining if a person has the disease is by doing a biopsy of the brain after death. Psychological testing has been used for years to diagnose the disease. Cris’ company was working on a diagnostic blood test, not a cure, but knowing if a person has Alzheimers can potentially help the patient and family members make decisions regarding short and long term care and allow the patient to make lifestyle changes to slow the disease. The initial testing results were very promising but as his group/associates performed more tests, they found that the disease is very complex and therefore it was difficult to replicate results. Cris felt that in time they would have been successful but funding and investors ran out and the company went out of business. It was very frustrating to be somewhat close to developing the test and then have to stop due to lack of funding. I’m so sorry, Robin.
Gosh, i wish their funding didn’t run out. We need some major medical breakthroughs on many fronts. I know Cris felt his work had promise.
Happy Birthday Robin! I’m so sorry about your mother:( My grandpa had Alzheimer’s and I know it can be devastating. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Thank you Mike. Through this post, I’m learning how many people Alzheimer’s touches. So sad.
I wish I had some words of wisdom. My dad is suffering from dementia and it isn’t fun. Quite the opposite, not only is he losing his memory, but there is a group of people exploiting that and regularly asking him for money that he ‘promised to give them’. Of course he doesn’t remember so he agrees and hands over the money. He has given away thousands of dollars. Then when we (my mom and I) try to intervene he gets angry at us. It’s a hot mess. Anyway, so sorry about your mom. It tough to watch them go through this. Happy birthday though! I hope you did something fun.
Oh my gosh! That is terrible. Elder abuse is an unspeakable crime. Praying on the unsound and infirm is cowardly. I am not a violent person, but I would like to flog those people. Does your dad still live at home, or is he in a facility? That will be the next hurtle for us when Dad can’t take care of Mom any more.
Thanks for the birthday wishes Dana!
He’s at home. A family friends has been spending his days at the house to keep him company. He’s still getting around well, but forgets to take his pills etc. it’s most short term memory lose at this point. The worst part is, my mom (read step-mom) is 20 years younger than my dad, she’s too young to retire and can’t be home with him during the day. He would not do well in a facility and at this point, if we tried, they would likely have to put him in a rubber room. He would absolutely have a fit. Because my mom has good medical coverage, they don’t qualify for any help at all and can’t afford a day nurse.
It’s a tough situation, we take it day by day.
No words of wisdom, just empathy – my father-in-law, my aunt, my uncle, all succumbed. It is doubly hard on the survivors who lose their loved one slowly and inexorably and again at the time of passing. My heart goes out to you Robin. And Happy Birthday.
Thank you Lynne. I rather feel like I lost her long before we knew what was going on. Before she was diagnosed, she seemed mad at the world all the time. I thought she didn’t like me, when once, we were very close. It changed our relationship for the worse. So sorry to hear about your family members. What a cruel disease.
I am so sorry about your mom, and your dad, and you 😦 It’s a terrible disease for a family to have to endure.
I hope that you’ll be able to cheer up soon (although I’m replying a day after your bday), so happy post birthday. 🙂
Alzheimer’s is cruel. The mind and memories are destroyed while the body carries on. The patient doesn’t know what is happening but the friends and family have to watch it happen. Sigh.
I’m doing better today. The birthday celebration and all these lovely comments helped!
Oh Robin, I know what you’re going through and I’m sorry.
My husband’s mother has dementia’s and its hard.
When I first came to Norway and didn’t know the language, she helped me in so many ways. We were very close and now…
Well, her body is still here but her spirit is gone and boy do I miss her.
So sad. When are they going to find a cure?!? Is your mother-in-law in a home? That will be the next hurdle for us, once Dad can’t take care of Mom.
She lives next door to us. Its Norway, so we get a lot of help (social system) A nurse comes in the morning and again at night… A driver takes her into the “Elder Center” for dinner and a visit every day. Someone cleans the house…. There’s a reason we pay all those taxes 😉
Ugh. I’m so sorry to hear this.
At least your mom has a devoted, loving caregiver.
Thanks . . . Dad is a good guy. 66 years of marriage is impressive. I have good role models in my folks.
Oh honey, I’m so sorry (((((hugs))))) 😦
Happy belated Birthday! I hope you managed some nice things yesterday
Xx
Thanks for the hugs! We had a lovely dinner out with friends. Lots of laughs and good food. My husband, kids, and friends made me feel special. As did all these comments.
🙂 xx
Robin,
Happy birthday. Belated. I don’t really know what to say about your mother. But. Your dad is around your mom, helping her, and loving her – even if he loses it occasionally, which is only normal I hope he learns to be easier on himself.
It’s a great testament of love, and in itself, a beautiful gift to their children.
Eric
Thank you Eric. Their 66 marriage is a lovely role model for me. While mom’s mind is failing, I am grateful both mom and dad are healthy and active. Since they are well into their 80s, that is a blessing.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Thank you so much!
That is really sad. I feel for you
It is sad. Thanks Roly . . . I appreciate the support.
Thankfully, neither Mum nor Dad had dementia issues, but there comes a time, dear Robin, when we turn into the parents, and our parents the children. As hard, and sad, and unimaginable this is, I found that once I accepted this, it became easier to deal with their deterioration, and the strangers who sometimes peeped out from behind their mouths. I hope this helps a little.
And the cake and a lovely crisp sauvignon … Happy Birthday!
Fighting the aging process does one no good. It is inevitable. I’m lucky that mom and dad are still with us and healthy (except for Mom’s failing mind). I should embrace that, rather than focusing on the decline.
As for the cake and sauvignon? Absolutely!
How quickly events overtake us, Robin. Thinking of you, and your parents, hoping things don’t get too difficult for you all too soon. 🙂
Wish I could think of something comforting to say. Sending you a virtual hug and I hope your birthday turned out well.
Thanks for the virtual hug. A lovely thing to receive this morning. Aside from being sad about Mom, my day was very nice . . . topped off with dinner out with friends.
Awww… I’m really sorry to hear about your mother, Robin. =[ I feel sad if my own accidentally on purpose forgets mine, so this must suck. I hope you have a happy birthday though (and gets lots of present)! Make sure to get a large chocolate cake and go celebrate with her!
Aside from being sad about Mom, my day was lovely. My husband, kids, and friends made me feel special . . . along with all the lovely comments here! What great blogging friends I have~!
So sorry to read about your mom. I have watched and helped my Gran and Aunt struggle with this for years now and seeing my mom and aunts struggle with the ‘lose’ of their mom has been really heartbreaking. The two Gran’s sit next to each other all day knitting and talking about their early childhood. The further back you go the more they seem to remember or perhaps the stories that they share over and over are somehow managing to hang around. My young girls have learnt amazing lessons in aging and care as they lovingly reintroduce themselves to the Grans with each visit, but it doesn’t get better. it slowly gets worse and that is just how it is. It sucks. Getting used to it all is so, so difficult. Time does seem to help though, as with most things. My thoughts are with you.
I wonder why short-term memory is the first thing to do. But as you said, the older memories an engrained into the fabric of their being. How sweet that your girls “lovingly reintroduce themselves to the Grans with each visit.” Their reaction could be fear or frustration. It would freak some kids out.
Dad says the good days with mom help him get through the bad days.
Happy birthday, and sorry to hear of your mother. I have little more to add as I agree with Carrie (and I can see your reply).
Thanks Elliot. Aging stinks . . . but I am glad Mom is otherwise healthy.
Thinking of you Robin, and hope you start to feel a bit better when your birthday isn’t pressing your buttons. And I hope the happy memories are some comfort.
The happy memories are a comfort and I feel blessed that I still have my folks around. That is pretty darn good as they are well into their 80s!
Ah, Dear Girl, I’ve been so emotional lately, but how sad I am with you… I can’t imagine.
Life can be so unfair. My good friend just lost her mother yesterday, leaving behind her four barely adult children. How important it is to appreciate the wonderful while we have it, and appreciate that we did indeed have it, when it is ;eft as only a memory. Happy Birthday Beautiful Robin.
So sorry to hear about your friend’s mom. We all know the end will come, but it doesn’t make it easier, does it? Speaking of memories, I “stole” my folks battered box of old photos and organized them in an album for them as my gift for their 65th anniversary. Mom spends hours looking at the photos and tells lovely stories about their life back then.
Thanks for the birthday wishes!
What a great gift, and such an amazing testiment to your family and marraige to be together for 65 years! Totally in awe!
65 years is one heck of a long time! And they are still in love. So sweet.
Happy Birthday! And sorry to hear about your Mom, I can’t add anything else that hasn’t already been said.
Thanks Jodie. The support and kind words here is such a comfort!
Happy Birthday, Robin. I really hope your day got better.
The day did get better John. We topped it off with dinner out with good friends.
I’m glad, to hear that Robin.
Oh–and I see that someone else recommended the book, Still Alice. Get ready to cry… I read it and cried through the entire second half. It was such a good book, but not one to read if you’re feeling emotional.
I ordered the book yesterday and am bracing myself . . .
Robin, Happy Birthday!!!!
Alzheimer’s is a horrifying disease. My aunt has early-onset dementia (non-Alzheimer’s–got it at 50!), and my grandmother on the other side has dementia issues as the result of strokes. Both of them (like you said to Carrie) on on Aricept. I don’t know if it helps or not. In my aunt’s case, maybe so. In my grandmother’s, I’m not sure.
My grandmother is one of the brightest stars in my life, and it makes me want to cry every time I see her or talk to her on the phone. I pray that I don’t have to go through this with my mom, and I am sad for you that you must face it every day. Hugs and good thoughts. And best wishes for a great year.
50! Yikes! I’m in my 50s! Yikes! So sorry to hear about your aunt and grandmother.
Aricept. Gosh, I can never remember the name of the medicine Mom is on.
My favorite Dr. Seuss quote is “Don’t cry because it is over, smile because it happened.” I am trying to hold onto that thought while I watch mom fade away.
Much, much easier said than done. I will be thinking about you.
Amen to that.
Robin, along with you many other WordPress friends, I wish you a Happy Birthday. In your heart keep your Mum she’s always been. Remember all the happy times and birthdays, and this birthday give her a gift – be strong 🙂
Being strong is a gift my mom would appreciate. She is (was?) a stoic lady. Had to be . . . she raised 5 kids! Thank you for the birthday wishes Ella Dee. This post generated many “presents” on my birthday. The gift of support is priceless.
Robin, I wish I did have some words of wisdom, or at the very least, some words of comfort. My heart is with you today on this birthday as it comes to a close. Your feelings are completely understandable, and I send you the warmest of wishes. I hope you did something nice for yourself today. Also sending you birthday hugs, and hugs of comfort. (((((Robin)))))
Love, love, love the hugs of comfort. Thank you. Apart from being sad about mom, my birthday was very nice. We went out to dinner with friends . . . lots of laughs and good food. They, and all the lovely comments here made me feel better.
I hope you find all the well wishes here for a Happy Birthday to be some comfort. I can’t imagine anything worse than losing touch with one’s family and friends through Alzheimer’s and other forms of dementia. My mother-in-law is at that point, and it was so hard to visit her this trip. I don’t think she recognized me or my husband this time. I hope we’ll someday find a cure.
I do find comfort here. The support of the blogging community is amazing. A-MAZE-ING. The group hug is lovely. Sorry to hear about your mother-in-law. That must have been hard on you and your husband.
My sister called mom the other day and mom didn’t know who she was. That was a first. My sister was devastated.
I don’t have any words of wisdom for you, but I do have some bibliotherapy: Lisa Genova’s Still Alice. The author, a neuroscientist, wrote the book to illuminate the experience of Alzheimers for the patient and for the family. It’s an absolutely wonderful novel and feels very emotionally true. Read it with a glass of wine and a box of tissues – it may be cathartic.
And Happy Birthday. Mine is tomorrow, I’ll remember you along with other September birthday friends when I’m drinking my morning tea.
Bibliotheraphy! Love the term! I will buy Still Alice immediately. I’ve heard of Still Alice, but I thought it was non-fiction.
Happy early birthday to you! We Virgos are a special lot! Don’t tell the other astrological signs I said that.
Ha! I’m a Virgo librarian who gets a wee bit tired of the associated stuffy and staid stereotypes. I’ll take your compliment to us Virgos as an early birthday present!
Oh Robin, I’m so sorry about your mom. My mom’s birthday is tomorrow–your story makes me forget my frustration with her and appreciate her. I don’t know what it must be like for you, but I feel sure that wherever your mom’s mind has fled, she is remembering the day your were born and wishing she could say so.
Happy Birthday. I hope you will still find a way to enjoy your special day.
How sweet you are! She used to tell a great story about the day I was born. Her water broke and she walked into the hospital with her feet going squish, squish, squish in her shoes. Until your comment, I forgot about that. Then, I was hesitant to pop out and the doctor sent my dad home. As soon as dad arrived at home, he got the call that I was born. Of course, that was back in the day when they knocked women out and didn’t let the dad into the delivery room.
I’m glad I brought you a good memory. The squish, squish, squish makes me laugh. 🙂
Her delivery of the story was darling.
Oh dear, I feel bad for not seeing this sooner! Hugs and happy, happy birthday! My father-in-law had Alzheimer’s. It was very very difficult, especially early on when his freedoms had to be taken away (like driving the car). I wish I had a cure for you dearie. I do know that having time away helped my mother in law. Like being able to go to the hairdresser and shopping, without worrying about him, by getting someone to stay with him so she could get out for a few hours. Oh, this is so so hard. Prayers and hugs, for your sadness. A glass of wine nd cake for your birthday! XOXO
Mom didn’t speak to my dad for two days after he took her keys away. Her mind wasn’t far enough gone to remember that and hold a grudge! Such a strange disease. Recently I went to visit (they live three hours away). She forgot I was coming and when I walked in, it really rattled her. Once she recovered from the shock, she challenged me to a game of Scrabble and beat me three times!
Cake and wine? You bet!
Wow! That’s a great faculty to be able to hang on to–Scrabble is such a great way to spend time with someone!
Ha! Except when someone is cleaning the floor with your hide!
I know of no crueler thing for a loving family. I am sorry Robin. Happy birthday and a very big hug.
Thank you sweetie. A very big hug from you is a lovely thing. Alzheimer’s is cruel. She looks healthy but her mind is ill.
Robin-well not to be redundant,, but Happy Happy Birthday. I have no words of wisdom to bestow on you. But I am sending my caring thoughts your way as you struggle with this.
Well thank you! Birthday wishes are allowed to be redundant! Mom would love the attention this is getting . . . if she could process the information.
Happy birthday my friend. I know exactly how you feel, my mother did the same thing. Dad took care of her as long as he could but she fell one day and could not get her up. We moved them to assisted living until she went into 24 hour care. She lived another month until she left this earth. It is a very hard disease especially when they totally forget us. Happy birthday (BTW mine is in 11 days)
Happy early birthday to you! We Virgos are a special lot.
So sorry about your mom. At this point, we are blessed that my mom is so healthy except for the Alzheimer’s. Pretty remarkable for 88!
I have no words of wisdom. I am sorry to hear about your mum. I am scared my mum will follow the same path.
Happy birthday. The sun shines, birds sing, and you, you are awesome. I hope you enjoy your day of days.
Thanks Commander. I am happy she is still with us at 88 years, and is very healthy, except for the Alzheimer’s. Dad is super healthy too.
After spending the afternoon with my mother, I really feel for you, Robin. With some forgetfulness, and a body that is rapidly giving out, we see her wanting to give up. The feeling of impending loss is overwhelming at times. I know you have family close to you, and I hope you are having a lovely birthday today. We certainly send our best wishes to you.
Sorry to hear about your mom fading. Getting older is not for the feint of heart. On one hand, I have mom’s mind failing. On the other hand, her brother, my beloved Uncle Mitchell’s body is failing but his mind it still sharp. The rule of aging is random.
Double Happy Birthday, Robin. All the best.
I know what you mean about good days and bad. My son-in-law’s grandfather is stricken also. It’s tough on his 80-year-old wife to repeat herself all the time and put up with his anger because of frustration.
Your father needs some physical support. It’s
Mom when through a period of frustration and anger. She wasn’t nice to be around. With her mind less whole now, the anger has passed. That is good for all of us. Dad especially.
I asked dad if he needs respite care and he said with a sigh, “not yet.”
First, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
I watched a brilliant, beautiful, feisty redhead struggle with this disease and I know it is hard. As odd as it sounds, humor is the way we coped. There were times when she even peeked back in from behind those blue eyes and laughed at herself. Long after she was gone, we still laughed at the stories — or sometimes just the punchlines, like,, “Don’t you own a comb?” or “Oh, those. I think Jane has those at her house,” or “That was a stupid place for a lamppost anyway.”
The perseveration (repeating the same question), the lack of recognition, the insistence that everything’s ok, those are wearing on everyone. Caretakers need to be sure they’re taking care of themselves. I’m sure you’re looking out for your dad. Look out for you, too.
And, happy birthday.
I love a feisty redhead! Who was/is she?
I asked dad if he needed some respite care. He sighed and said, “Not yet.” I hope he accepts help when the time comes.
Thanks for the birthday wishes!
She was my then-husband’s mother, and she was like a mother to me. Sometimes I think about writing about her. I might do that.
Happy Birthday, Robin. I’m so sorry about your mom. I lost my mom in 2008 so I know what you are going through. I always got a card. Sometimes she’d send me cashews because she knew how much I loved them. My b’day and Christmas are very hard on me without her. My kids miss the cards, too, because she’d always put little stickers on the envelope that were reflections of my kids’ personalities. We all miss her. Big hugs, honey. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s hard to see someone you love suffer from this disease. You have my prayers.
Thanks Jenny! Sorry about your mom. What do they call this period of our lives? Shoulder years? Aging parents on one side and dependent children on the other. The next few years will be hard with my parents in their 80s and my beloved uncle in his 90s. Sigh.
Happy birthday Robin. I shall post my favourite quote here (Chinese I believe), that I’ve posted on a few people’s blogs lately –
‘When the road of life makes you weary of walking, remember your wings’
Hugs.
What a lovely quote.
I agree with Arnel. Lovely quote. It made me tear up. I’m off to find where I put my wings.
Yes, a few years ago when I was going through a difficult time, a friend bought me a picture that had those words on it, and it made me tear up too. I’ve found it really helpful as a reminder that whatever happens, we can always find extra resources from within ourselves to cope.
Happy birthday hun if I had known would have stuck a card in the post with the letter, but as I didn’t here will do, I know what you are going through with your mum we are going through it with my gran, it is extremely frustrating especially as her long term memory is fine at the minute still yet she repeats and mixes up things that happened a few minutes before, in many ways it is like dealing with a wilful toddler, including tantrums when you correct her. With my gran we are further along in some aspects and she has developed paranoia usually over silly thing (she hides cans of pop convinced non existant workmen are going to drink them all even though if any workmen are due to be there we arrage it so one of us is aswell) My mother in law works in a nursing home and there is actually a treatment available which slows the deterioration with dementia if I can I will find the name of it, it is not suitable in all case depending on other health issues but may be worth investigating.
Mom went through an angry stage when the Alzheimer’s was first coming on. She wasn’t nice to be around. Until I realized what was happening, I though she didn’t like me very much. That phase has passed, and she now is like a lamb, doing what she is told. That is, if she can remember what she was told. I’ve heard paranoia is a symptom. I wonder why. Good luck with your gran.
Today is your birthday? uh oh…
You are so funny.
na na na na na naa na Na They say it’s your birthday na na na na na naa na Na Happy Birthday to you!
I’m sorry you are sad, but please know that I’m over here in Maine wishing you all the best for a terrific year!
Are we all going to have that song stuck in our head? I do!
Thanks Judith. Maine birthday wishes are the best!
😎
Robin, first of all — Happy Birthday. And it’s totally understandable you’re sad. Doesn’t matter how old we are, we still want those “Happy Birthdays” and remembrance. So sorry about your Mom. I can’t imagine what you must go through and the range of feelings that you and your Dad has. Sending you very thoughts and I hope you have a Happy, happy birthday!
Thank you so much for the birthday wishes.
One thing I tell myself is I should be happy that she is so healthy otherwise. Ironic that her brother’s body is failing, but his mind isn’t. Her body is hale, and her mind is shot.
Hard to take, impossible to understand. My best thoughts and wishes to you, Robin. Hang in.
Thanks Tim. It is a cruel disease. (Is any disease kind?) When it first started to come on, she knew something was wrong, but couldn’t put her finger on it and it made her rather angry at the world. That symptom is getting better as the Alzheimer’s advances. Small consolation.
So wish I did – but a big Happy Birthday to one of my favourite blogging friends is the best I can do right now and a (hug). Others better versed than I can probably help, but I am hear to listen, and to grieve with you.
Thank you. I needed that hug from one of my favorite blogging buddies!
So sorry to hear you have a loved one with that terrible disease. I’m glad government funding has been stepped up for Alzheimer’s research. Hopefully they’ll discover a breakthrough soon–if not a cure than at least a medication that can ward off its progression.
Here’s my Happy Birthday to you!
She is on a medication that is supposed to slow down the progression of the disease, but frankly, I feel like she starting getting worse as soon as she was put on it. I’m sure that isn’t the case, but . . . ?
Thanks for the birthday wishes, Carrie!