Oh man. What a week and a half.
For those of you following along, you know what I mean. For those of you who don’t know, click here.
First of all, my sincere and tear-stained thanks to all of you who commented on my blog post about my 89-year-old dad going into the hospital. I will answer all of your comments soon.
I am sorry I haven’t been around to visit you. My time lately has been spent sitting bedside in ICU with my Dad. Writing and reading blogs was suddenly not important. Dad’s health was the concern. The past week was like a riding a roller coaster going 100 miles an hour at a standstill.
Mom and Dad have been married for 66 years and have know each other since sophomore year of high school. Look how cute and in love they look after all these years. This photo was from one year ago.
Dad’s early diagnosis of congestive heart failure was incorrect. He developed pneumonia, both lungs collapsed, and he was ensconced in ICU for 7 days. They inserted chest tubes to drain the blood/fluid from his lungs. He couldn’t feed himself, had a high fever, and he was an all around mess. He is likely to be in the hospital for another week or so.
On one of his bad days, Dad thought to himself,
“So this is what it feels like to die.”
His body is failing, but his mind is sound.
My mom, on the other hand, is of sound body, but her mind is shot.
She has Alzheimer’s Disease. This experience is too much for her to handle. She is lucid at times, bewildered most of the time, and rather nasty to be around all of the time. Her snarky comments to the nurses, doctors, Dad, and me make our blood pressure rise to dangerous levels.
She can’t help it.
My sister is the admissions director of a skilled nursing home in Portland, Oregon. We are hoping Dad can move there after he is discharged from the hospital. Mom can live with my sister or move to the assisted living portion of the nursing home. If not, I will be doing (willingly) every third week in San Jose with my folks. Difficult, but not impossible. As such, I will be in and out with checking on you.
Again, I ask, any words of wisdom for me? I’m fried. I need your help.
Related articles
- Parenting our Parents (robincoyle.wordpress.com)
Robin Coyle 
Pingback: Parenting our Parents ~ Part 3 « Robin Coyle
Try not to worry because what will be will be; drink something other than caffeine, eat something other than cellophane sandwiches and doughnus and takeout and, like Arnel said, try to get your 8 hours.
It’s always helpful to know what’s important in life, and when it comes to family and friends, blogging and certain other activities definitely take a back seat.
I don’t have personal experience with this. My mom barely speaks to me, and my dad died suddenly last year, no illnesses. I can say, however, that sleep is the one weapon in your arsenal to keep you sane. Use it. Lack of sleep screws up everything and stresses the body. Make sure you take care of yourself! XOXO!
It is the strangest thing with sleep for me right now. I either pass out and don’t move all night, or, as my mom would say, “sleep like a top.” Toss, turn, light on, light off, drink of water, read book, solve the problems of the world, and fall asleep as soon as the alarm goes off.
Um…menopause? 🙂 Just kidding, although I have heard it screws with your sleep–it seems to screw with mine.
I think it is stress. I can’t turn off my brain of late. So distracted, as I’m sure you can relate.
Thanks for the lovely blog catch up here this afternoon!
My pleasure!
(why aren’t I getting notices, WordPress?!)
Sorry to be so far behind – have been thinking about you and suddenly realized notices of your posts aren’t appearing.
Lots of great advice – so I won’t repeat…except it’s so hard sitting in the hospital room – and even leaving it’s hard to rest. Vitamin C and the B complex for stress and immune system. A walk outside to re-center.
Your husband has you on the right track. Sorry, Alzheimer people can be very nasty – all you can do is remember it is a disease and it’s not really them…and look for those ocassional glimmers when they are with you.
Nice you have others to help! Hugs! (and try to eat sensibly…but do treat yourself to some luxury whether it is dessert, cookies, or a soft blanket to use when cold in the room while you keep watch.
Might not be WordPress’ fault. My blogging has been spotty since my situation with my folks, and is likely to continue to be so for another few weeks. I try to toss one together and read a blogs when I can, which isn’t often these days.
My uncle swears by Vitamin C. I really must stock up on it. Walking is a savior. Hours and hours bedside is exhausting . . . mentally and physically. You are right. A nice brisk walk clears the cobwebs from the brain and the kinks from the neck.
Luxury you ask? I just spend an ungodly sum on new sheets. Ungodly . . . but heck, we spend so much time sleeping, why not do it in luxury?
Nothing is nicer than sliding into wonderful sheets at the end of a long day! And if you add up all the hours of use, the cost is simply reasonable. Good plan.
(Re-subscribed again…you should be coming up on reader as followed…but it’s hard to complain when it’s a free service)
The reviews of the sheets sounds divine!
I wonder what happened to your subscription. I’ve lost blogs I follow too. One of my favorite blogger posted a comment here and I thought, “Hey, I haven’t seen a post from him in a while.” Sure enough, he was dropped from my list.
Thanks for taking the time to reapply to the University of Useless Information.
I have no wisdom to impart really. I echo the first comments. You need to take care of yourself to be able to then take care of others. Best wishes to you and your family.
Thank you Pete. I’m trying!
Robin, you seem like such a warm, loving, sincere and generous person so I’m sure you are a real asset to your family – now perhaps more than normal. I think that as well as doing what you can for your family, you must remember to take some time out for yourself now and then to ensure that you’re fit and well and rested, you know. Know that your friends in the blogsphere will be here to support you and lend a friendly ear whenever you need us. Take care. *Big hugs!* xxx
What a sweet thing for you so say.
I know I should take care of myself as well as my parents . . . easy to say, hard to do while in the thick of it. My sister came down for a week to relieve me and now my other sister is there. I’ll go back the week after that. That is giving me a little breathing room.
Thanks Katy! The blogosphere support has been amazing and comforting. Truly.
The blogsphere is great! 🙂 Glad you know we’re all here for you!
It must be hard taking time out for yourself, but you must or you will find it so much harder to look after those around you. You’ll get there. 🙂
Hugs to you…and your family.
Thank you. Your hug felt fantastic.
Saw you poked around my blog a little today. Thanks!
and I enjoyed your posts!!!!!!!!!!!
How lovely! Thanks again!
I have no wisdom to speak of, but you and your family will be in my prayers.
Thank you. All prayers are welcome.
Sorry, I’m very behind on catching up with blogs. I’m sorry to hear about your dad but it sounds like he’s in good hands and hopefully will be out of the hospital soon.
Don’t apologize. I deleted hundreds of email blog notices while in the throes of being with Dad. Guilt, guilt, guilt. But, there was no other choice. It is nice to be back, until I am return to San Jose for my next stint at his hospital beside.
Pace, and care for, yourself. while you care for them.
I will do my best.
Loads of Vitamin C needed…I spent so many days visiting my parents over 3 years when they were in and out of hospital one after the other…They died young…You are truly blessed to have them around and 66 years is just so amazing…Hope your dad is getting better!!
That is so funny you say that. My uncle SWEARS by Vitamin C. You poor dear. Three years is a long time to care for sick parents. I hope you lived close to them. The short-ish drive (3 hours) to Mom and Dad’s is tough.
Oh, and yes. Dad is getting better. We think. His progress is slow.
I have no words of wisdom. My own experience is that you have to grit your teeth and get on with it. It won’t be easy and it will seem like forever.
And then suddenly they will be gone and you will wish for another decade, another year another month, week, day of that horrible time, because at least they were still with you.
I know you are a good daughter and you will do your absolute best for them. And one day, you will be glad that you did.
xx
As my husband says, “Hunker down and deal with it head on.” So, I will grit my teeth and try to be strong. At one point my mom said, “You don’t seem to be very upset about all this.” I said, “I need to be the strong one so YOU can fall apart when you need to let go.” I don’t think she understood.
Thank you for your kind words and support. I will be grateful I was there for them. Heck, they were always there for me!
True American grit. Good luck to you all.
Hi Robin. So sorry to hear that this is going on in your life. My thoughts are with you.
Thank you. The support and kind words from my fellow bloggers is of great comfort.
We are thinking of you.
Wow! I think this is your first comment here. Lovely to have you. Thank you for the comment and your thoughts while we deal with this health crisis.
Dear Robin, Oh my goodness. I had no idea you were going through all this. I must admit that this is not an area with which I have a lot of experience. Both sets of my grandparents died either before I was born or while I was small (of accidents or cancer), so I did not ever go through this experience firsthand. But I wanted to write to let you know that you aren’t alone. So many of us, as you can see from your comments, are here to support you, wanting to do anything that we can. My husband’s grandfather died at 104 two years ago and his 97 year old wife is still hanging in there. From that experience, I did witness how difficult it is for a member of the family to care for an ailing loved one. My mother-in-law had such a hard time being the care giver of her parents; she was too close to it all; she couldn’t make rational decisions. When we’re so close we think with our hearts. In the end, they put Papa-Jean in a care facility where he died peacefully. But my mother-in-law has never gotten over the guilt, thinking he died because he didn’t want to be there. In fact, he was ready to go. But she can’t see that. With her mother, she decided to have in home care so that the family is able to love and support Grammy rather than arguing over dinner menus and whether or not to go out for a walk. I really don’t know what the answer is. But from what I read of your parents, they have given you an amazing foundation, a heart-warming example of real love. You seeing them through this last stage of their life, as you are, is the most sincere thank you I could imagine you giving them. You have incredible strength and I admire you for it!
What a lovely comment. You made me tear up.
Your husband comes from good genes. Wow, 104 and 97! It is funny (not funny exactly, but you know what I mean) that your mother-in-law thinks her dad died because he was in the nursing home. He died because he was 104! But I know, it is hard to be rational when you lose a loved one.
Mom and Dad did give us kids a solid foundation of love and respect for one another. Because they have been relatively healthy all these years, I stupidly assumed they would live forever. Now, we are faced the harsh reality of their mortality. I am hopeful Dad will pull through, but there is a good chance he won’t. I hate to think about what the future brings, but there isn’t one thing I can do to chance its course, except love and support them, and make them as comfortable as they can be.
Thank you for you kind words, and I wish your husband’s mother and grandmother peace.
You are a strong woman Robin, you have dealt with things in the past, you will deal with this (((Robin))) ~ thinking of you x
Strong? I’m not so sure. Determined to make them comfortable in their last years? Yes indeed. Thanks Polly!
Hope your dad is much better now. Take care of yourself so you can take care of your parents together with your sister.
He is making slow progress. Very slow. His has fluid on his lungs again which they will be draining today. I hope that doesn’t set him back. I am on a nice break from the hospital for a few days to recharge my batteries and brace myself for the next steps.
Oh, Robin! What a nightmare. My father passed over several years ago and I totally understand the ‘hospital stress’. In February this year my husband’s parents drove 3,000 miles to visit us. They were only here for two days when my father-in-law suffered a stroke. Mother-in-law has dementia (she comes and goes) and it was a horrible time for all concerned. After several weeks we managed to negotiate a hospital transfer and my husband flew them home. We actually went on our recent ‘road trip’ to return their car to them.
We’ve now decided to return to live at the farm to care for them in their old age.
My thoughts are with you and the responses here are wonderful! I’m sending *strength* in your direction.
Wow. What good people you are. Is your father-in-law at home? Do they have help? Do you need to sell/sublet your house so you can move there? What about your jobs? Any idea of how long you will need to be there? Is there other family/friends to help? Is it possible for me to ask any more questions in one comment reply?
Thinking of you too. Please let me know what is going on with you and your family.
Hahaha – what a lovely response! Father-in-law is now at home. They don’t have help – my sister-in-law is caring for them but she has to move towns because of her work. My hubby has left his job and is heading up there next week to stay permanently and fix up our old house on the farm (his parents live next door to our old house). I’m leaving my high-flying city job in June next year to join him. I’ve decided to retire (albeit a little earlier than expected). The house we have here is only a rental so we don’t need to go through the hassle of putting it on the market.
The house my hubby is fixing for us in on my blog ‘If I rebuild it she will come’ – have a look if you have the time (and try not to laugh too hard) 😀 (although a bit of frivolity may be just what you need at the moment)
I will dash over an catch up on your post about your house. Sorry I’ve been out of the loop. A little laughter would be lovely!
What job will you be retiring from? You ok with that? What job did your husband leave? He ok with that?
I’m in a government department and hubby is in fire/electrical. He will easily be able pick something up. As for me? Full time writing here I come! 😀
Whoo Hoo! Good for you!
Robin, I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’m going through issues with my Grandmas. My poor parents are definitely sandwich boomers.
My Dad’s Mom is showing early signs of dementia – and it is just horrible watching it. The only people I’m closer to are my parents. I went out to lunch with Grandma this past Sunday and I just couldn’t get over her behavior. I forgot that it could be a part of dementia/Alzheimer’s.
I feel as though a little piece of her is lost each and every week, if not day.
There are some huge changes coming in MY life. I’ll share when the time is right. We are all at a loss as to what to do. She really doesn’t want to go into an assisted living facility.
My other Grandma isn’t much better off; she’s just a bit younger. It is so hard to watch, and I can’t imagine watching a parent go through any of it.
My thoughts and prayers are with you!
Lindsey
Thanks Lindsey. Sorry to hear about your grandmas. It is hard to watch and your note about losing a piece of them each day is accurate. However, for me, since I the last time I saw Mom was May, the change from May to today is like she lost chucks, not pieces. That was the world’s most awkward sentence, but I am leaving it. I’ll be thinking of you, your folks, and your grandmas.
Thanks Robin. I know exactly what you mean. I didn’t see either of them this past summer (horrible personal reasons I don’t want to get into), so when I finally did start visiting again, shock. Your sentence may seem awkward, but it is accurate. I’ll definitely be thinking of you and your parents.
We did the hospital thing with both of my grandpas, and it was never easy. At times it felt like we were on a tour of local hospitals. At one point my Mom’s Dad just said enough is enough. Hard to believe he’s been gone over five years now.
Lindsey
You and your parents are in my prayers!
Thank you so much. And you and your grandparents are in my prayers and I send you positive vibes. Let’s stay in touch.
We should!
There’s not much I can add to the wonderful comments so many others have already made. It’s difficult to see our parents needing help when they were the ones who did everything for so long. But you absolutely must make some time for yourself, or you might find yourself in the hospital, weakened and ill from the strain.
Best wishes for you, your parents, and your siblings in such a difficult time. And know that we’re always here when you have a chance to visit with us.
I am overwhelmed by the kind words and support here. This gigantic tiny blogging community we have here is amazing. My sister relieved me so I am having a chance to catch up. I saved your follow-up blog about how we follow blogs. I want to weigh in, although I see you have a ton of comments. You hit a nerve.
Stress does weird things to your body. I will try to heed your advice to take care of myself as well as Mom and Dad.
Oh honey, I’m so sorry (((((hugs))))) xx
Thanks Vikki! Hugs right back to you.
I am so sorry, Robin. There’s nothing I can say that will make this any better, of course, but big hugs to you, and I’m sending peaceful vibes your way. Having one parent sick is bad enough, but the double whammy is awful. And please listen to all the smart people who’ve already commented about how important it is for you to take care of yourself. It’s just too, too easy for the caregiver to get lost in the shuffle. But if you don’t care for yourself, you’ll be an exhausted wreck. Please look after your needs too, my friend.
Double-whammy is right! My dad didn’t let on how bad Mom’s mental condition is. I saw them in May and while she was mildly forgetful, she was nothing like she is now. I’m sure the worry and stress made her worse, but she is in bad shape. I forgot to put in the post that I caught her wandering out the front door 4 times last week. She had no idea where she was going. Thank goodness I caught her. We need to get one of those medical ID bracelets for her.
I will remember the sage advice to take care of me while taking care of them. One wonders how, but I’ll figure it out. Thanks MW~
I’m sorry you’re going through this, Robin. I have been helping my mother for the past couple of years as she has multiple health problems. It isn’t easy, especially because I have two little ones at home who also need constant care. I’m what they call the sandwich generation, getting it from both ends. It is non-stop. For me, what has kept my head above the water is my writing. Both the serious tending of my novel, as well as the casual venting of word challenges, silly poems, and what-have-you. As writing is where my soul is, it has helped me get through the tough times.
Today I went to the dentist for the first time in 2 1/2 years–they thought I’d left their practice to see someone else. But I told them, no, that wasn’t it. I just had absolutely no time to fit an appointment in where I didn’t have something else going on or where they weren’t already booked.
Classic example of a caregiver who isn’t prepared. I’m sure you’ll figure out the best routine/schedule for you. Don’t rush yourself, don’t push yourself, and always give yourself a good hour everyday to do something for yourself.
Stay strong. 🙂
Is your mom nearby? Do you have a support network to tab into? It must be tricky balancing home life, kids, and your mom. I too find comfort in writing, but have to say I am too distracted at the moment. It was cathartic to write this post tho. And, the comments and long-distance virtual support is amazing. It restores my faith in humanity. It is almost as though you have to pass a “nice test” in order to be a blogger. What a lovely community.
Oh, you poor girl, Robin. I can only offer my prayer for a rapid healing in your father and lucid lengths for your mom. What a blessing we have had in meeting the generations of your family. As I answered a poll on yahoo that asked “Are families valued less now, than they were 50 years ago?” a resounding 90% said “yep.” Reading your posts, and seeing pictures of your loving family makes my day! Yes, your parents are adorable in that picture! How blessed to have a love like that for so many years! I could just cry, and if I think of it for even ten more seconds I will.
I’m sorry these days ahead will be difficult for you and your family. I’ve heard the line a million times from my friends and family, “It’s no fun getting old.” If I made any suggestion at all, it would be to grab family picture albums and enjoy those memories with your dad and if possible, your mom and siblings, at every opportunity. Because when the present is rough going, it’s those captured memories that will take a family back through a life filled with fondness and perhaps change the present mood, when not the circumstances.
Loves, Kreta
Ha! I never thought about how I am sharing three generations of my family with you. That is cool!
I admire my parents and their marriage. I know they had rough times. Dad was career Navy and they moved something like 20 times. All five of us kids were born in different states. To feed his family of seven, at one point Dad worked during the day in the Navy and then drove a cab during the graveyard shift. He never failed to provide and Mom was a master at making healthy meals on a tight budget. Family dinner time was important to her, and a tradition I carried on with my own family.
Great idea about bringing photo albums to the hospital. They would be a lovely distraction for all of us.
Big families and big family dinners – That’s what I’m talking about! That’s how I was raised and our family has dinner together almost every night of the year!
Hope the best for you and yours, I really do.
Mom also taught me to set the table and light the candles for dinnertime. I had to laugh when my daughter sent me a photo of a meal she made (she is in college). The table was set for one, but the candles were lit! Atta girl!
It’s good to know there are great families still out there like yours. Off I go to do some chores, but thanks for sharing Robin and know we are supporting you in this trial emotionally with all our good vibes 🙂
Oh Robin, my heart aches for you. I wish I knew of something to say to help. I’ve been praying for you and your parents every day since you posted the news. I’ll continue to do so. I think the AL place in Oregon sounds good. I agree with what others said about taking time for yourself to recharge. Make sure to take care of yourself in the midst of it all. No sense in you getting sick too. Sending you warm hugs of comfort.
Thank you for the lovely hugs of comfort. It helps. It really does. I am so moved by everyone’s response here. I tear up with every comment.
We learned yesterday that Dad’s white blood cell count is up so that means he has some sort of infection going on. Looks like he will be in the hospital for longer that we were thinking. After he gets out, I sure hope he can make the move to Oregon.
Thank you Lori. Thank you.
Oh, my heart goes out to you all. More hugs.
Robin-
I too have gone through this with my in-laws and still am with my 89 year old father. Others have already said what I would say. Try to stay strong but you need to take breaks from time to time. Take care of yourself so you can be there for your parents. Most important, cherish EVERY second you have with them. Say EVERYTHING now that you want and should say. You are not alone so don’t be afraid or ashamed to lean on those around you, including your blog friends. I hope you have many more memories to make with your parents.
-Dennis
I learned while staying with Dad in ICU, taking breaks and going for a brisk walk around the parking lot every couple of hours helped keep my head on straight. When we would get home from the hospital, Mom and I would take the dogs out for a walk. She was the most lucid during our walks. She needed the break too.
How wonderful you still have your dad. Doesn’t he live alone in the middle of nowhere?
Yes. He lives on 40 acres of forest and is surrounded on two sides by state forest. The closest town is seven miles away. Mentally he is doing great. But his vision and balance are deteriorating. I worry about him falling down and not being able to get back up. It could be a long time before someone figured out there was a problem. Thankfully, he signed up for Lifeline and carries a wireless panic button wherever he goes, even at home. I hope we never have to find out whether or not it works.
Hang in there.
Oh yes. . . I remember you and your wife clearing his drive of Mother Nature’s bounty for him. You hang in there too.
Pingback: Thanks to T.W. Dittmer for calling my attention to this. Our friend, Robin Coyle, could use your help and prayers. Please read…:) « Thomas Rydder
Hi Robin…
I just read of your situation through a kind post by T.W. Dittmer, a very special gentleman, indeed.
I was happy to hear about no CHF…one good bit of news, hm?
My mother was in failing health for the last few months of her life, and required constant care. Since I live out of state, it fell to my brother and his wife to do the honors (and I mean “honors” seriously) – who else deserves it more? My sis-in-law actually quit her job to tend to mom. And I kept up with the day to day via email and phone.
It’s tough. And you now have two to worry about, given your mom’s advancing mental state. Take heart. You have two wonderful, loving parents who deserve your care and support…and appreciate it. Do what you can for them…and know this path was chosen for you by God. Sometimes it doesn’t fall to reason, nor do we have the comprehension necessary to work out the answers. But one thing I know. Your parents are lucky enough to have a child who cares for them, and will do so for as long as they need it.
God bless. I saw someone (I think T.W.) say “eat ice cream”. I agree! Do the best you can, and DO take time for you. For one, it’s not selfish…for two, you’re going to need it. I’ll say a prayer (or twenty) for you.
Warm Regards,
Thomas Rydder
T.W. is a very special man. Out of the blue he sent me an email last week to check in on me and my dad. And what sage advice he gives! Ice cream! The cure for all evils.
Your sister-in-law must be a saint to quit her job to take care of your mom. What a loving family you have. Sorry to hear about your mom.
Thanks for the prayers . . . and yes, I’ll take twenty.
Ah, that was some time ago. My mom has since passed. Cancer. Damnedable disease. Thank you, anyway 🙂
Ice cream was a good one, that’s certain. What kills the blues any better than a big pile of Rocky Road with chololate syrup?
I’m a pralines and cream kind of gal. I’m off to the store to buy some! Sounds yummy.
Robin, I have come over from reading TW Dittmer..I have nothing helpful to say but send kind thoughts. I care for my mother at home who, when anyone asks, I describe as ‘ridiculously well’. But she barely moves, is unhappy, deaf etc. It’s not easy, it’s not fun and many days I could scream but we do it for them because they did it for us.
Sending you kind thoughts while we go through this stage… annie
Thank you for the kind thoughts, Annie. You are a saint for caring for you mom in your home. I honestly don’t think I could do it. One week with my mom was trying and exhausting. It is easy to get mad at her when she is so snarky. I held my tongue but is was hard. I never minded repeating myself or explaining what the doctors said over and over, but gosh, she has a sharp tongue.
It’s certainly not easy and it’s not so much that I do it out of choice but that it fell upon me…and now this is the way it is!
Robin, I send you thoughts and prayers as you go through this. I hope your Dad heals quickly and that you all make the decision you need to make with your Mom to go forward. I don’t have any words of wisdom except be well and take care of yourself through this trying and emotional time.
Thank you Brigitte. We have huge decisions ahead of us once Dad is out of the hospital. Where will they live, do we sell their house, what are we going to do with all their things, etc. Taking care of the caretaker is tricky, but a must. Visiting you all here is healing.
Robin, I wish I had something helpful to offer… I know this is in my future, and I won’t have any wise ways to deal with it. Mostly, I wish you love and hugs and peace.
What I would probably shoot for: Exercise. A few minutes to recharge each day. A good magazine or book (for the 5 minutes you get alone). Hot showers.
I wish there were a magic pill for caregivers. I am thinking of you and hoping things improve for both you and your parents.
Thank you for the love and hugs and peace. Lovely.
Every couple of hours or so while Dad was in ICU I would take a brisk walk around the hospital parking lot. It cleared my head and made sitting my his bedside for hours more bearable. I also have book I am enjoying and that was wonderful distraction from the tears.
I watched as my husbands parents went from two strong, loving caretakers, to a sick elderly man and a confused woman burdened with dementia… Its sad, its hard and unfortunately – life.
Be there when you can, but watch that it doesn’t swallow you up. Try to remember the good times, when fighting through the bad, and pray.
Hopefully your dad will be feeling better soon and you’ll find the right place for your mom to settle into.
Good luck, take care and (we) hope to hear from you soon. xxoo – Maggie
Thanks Maggie. Yes, their situation is the natural progression of life. We are blessed they have been with us so long and in relatively good health all this time. Just a month ago they traveled to Portland to see my sisters and to Minnesota for their high school reunion! There are only about 20 or so of their classmates left. Mom and Dad were the only ones that walked in without a cane, walker, or wheelchair. Dad said they felt like spring chickens in comparison.
You’re in a difficult role and when it’s all done you’ll be glad you were there for them. If you can find just a few minutes of quiet each day, a time where there is only YOU it will be restorative. You’re in a tough spot but you’ll manage to get through it.
I hope someone will make you laugh; laughing helps. There are absurdities in these transitions that offer a little humor, particularly between siblings.
Having been through similar situations, I promise you do not need to be there every second and you shouldn’t waste time feeling guilty. You are but one small woman on a huge planet in a vast universe, there is only so much you can do.
Thinking of you.
Speaking of laughing, the book I was reading while spending hours in the hospital made me laugh. It was an excellent distraction from the tears. I’m so happy to read your comment about not needing to be there every minute of everyday. Mom would be “cooked” at the end of the day but I felt guilty about leaving the hospital. I let go of some of that guilt when I realized her dementia was worse when she was tired. And, my tears came more easily when I was tired. Great advice.
Robin, I was glad to see something from you but sad to know you and are family are struggling. You have such a great family base. They obviously raised wonderful children and you are now caring for them, it’s cycle and I wish more families were like yours. Looking out for each other, caring and loving.
Remember to rest and eat well, that way you can be strong enough to do what you have to do.
I am looking forward to the day when my posts are back to being happy posts!
We do have a strong family base. Mom worried about what she was going to do. (I think she was meaning if Dad died.) I assured her that we would never dream of leaving her alone. That comforted her until she promptly forgot and said it again. I didn’t mind repeating myself because saying the words comforted me too.
How are you doing Kate? Back to work yet? When is your move?
Dear Robin, this sounds really tough, and my heart goes out to you. As so many people have said, you can only take one day at a time.
THere’s a phrase which I’ve found has helped me – everything passes – however awful it is now, it’s not going to be like this forever.
And its so important that you look after yourself. Stress wears us out, so you need to really make sure you’re replenishing your body with good food, plenty of multi vitamins and calcium and magnesium for your nerves, and plenty to drink. Every day try to make a time that is your own when you do something for yourself, even if its only sitting there doing nothing. but make it your time.
If you don’t love yourself, you won’t be able to go on loving the ones you want to.
You’d never think of not putting petrol in your car, but your body matters much more than a car, so do take care of yourself as well as everyone else..
Remember to breath, especially at the hospital, and if you can, Let-go, and Let God.
Know that you are not alone, your friends and your angels are with you
.
I love your petrol analogy. It is so true. I tried to stay positive, eat well and before I got the shakes, and thankfully was so exhausted, I slept well at night. I encouraged my mom to do the same. Her dementia was worse when she was tired. That made things harder on Dad and me.
One day when Mom was full of despair I said, “Try to think positive thoughts, Mom.” She said, “Like that is going to change the situation.” It was a grouchy comment but it made me laugh. Nothing like telling it like it is, Mom.
Hello Robin, don’t know how you find the time to reply.
I can relate to your mother’s response to thinking positive thoughts – hard when you feel you’re between a rock and a hard place.
But of course what you wanted was for her to Feel better, which is what happens if we can change our thinking…
It’s the difference between resisting and wanting to change the situation and feeling angry, puzzled and miserable, and accepting what is, and feeling a settling inside of peace, and letting it be.
Which is why Let-go and Let God helps… many people find it easier to say let go, and let good ( emerge)
Thinking of you
Thanks Valerie. Since my sister is with my mom and dad right now, I escaped to our cabin in the woods for a little respite. It has taken all day to respond to comments here and on other recent posts. The exercise has been restorative as there is so much support and kind words.
Reasoning with Mom is possible at this point. But, and it is a BIG but, she forgets immediately what was said. Sometimes, if it wasn’t so sad, it would be comical. She has made me laugh. Not at her, but because of her. How nice.
As I mentioned in our emails, so sorry you’re going through such a struggle. I just hope you can keep yourself healthy through all of this, both physically and emotionally.
Staying focused and positive about the outcome helps. Today is Dad’s birthday and my sister is throwing him a bedside party in the hospital. I like thinking about Dad eating a big piece of chocolate cake. That will fix what ails him!
Cake is always good. 🙂
all I can say, accept that you are going to be fried for awhile–this is not easy at all –I have been through it several times now and it is the hardest thing I have ever done–but also one of the most loving and satisfying
things will work out, but there will be both good and crummy times
so sorry you are going through this–and never feel bad about needed some “time off”
It is satisfying to care for loved ones. Scary, but satisfying to know you are easing their pain, distracting them from the situation, and providing moral support. Guilt about not being able to do more or “fix” everything is a demon that haunts me. I know my family needs to and can take turns. Otherwise, we would be no good to nobody.
tell that demon to go eat cake and make sure you take care of you too — or again you will be no good for anybody
Take a break for a little while so that you can recharge. If possible, find a quiet spot at your favorite outdoor place (for me, it’s a lake) and just sit there for an hour, not thinking about anything in particular.
Or watch a funny movie. Ice cream sounds good too. Escape for a little while and maybe the stress will get easier to bear.
Sending you and your family a virtual hug.
While my sister is doing her stint with my Dad, I escaped to our cabin near Lake Tahoe. The place is restorative and peaceful. We have long days and weeks ahead of us so I know we all need to pace ourselves. I find myself clenching my teeth and my shoulders up around my ears. That won’t do anyone any good! Teeth clenching is not allowed in the forest. My jaws can relax here so I can enjoy that ice cream!
Thanks for the virtual hug. Here is one for you.
I don’t have any great words of wisdom (I already told you about the wings!), but I have two thoughts…
1) There are those who believe that we are never given more to cope with than we are able to cope with. I think that’s a good belief to hold on to when you need to find that extra bit of strength from somewhere.
2) Don’t lose laughter – they say it’s the best medicine and I really think it is. Managing to find some humor when there really isn’t any can help lift everyone’s spirits.
Oh yes . . . I remembered to pack my wings when i went to the hospital. The doctors gave me funny looks and the nurses told me my wings were getting in their way.
We did have moments of laughter and I embraced them. When we passed an empty gurney in hospital hallway, my mom said, “How about if I lie down on it and you can give me a wild ride.” I loved the imagery. Also, at one point when she was quite distraught I said, “Try to stay positive, Mom.” She said, “Like that is going to help any.” It was a grouchy comment but it made me laugh. Nothing like telling it like it is!
Oh, Robin, I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. I was only thinking about you yesterday and wondering how you were doing. I really hope your dad pulls through. I don’t think I’m in a position to offer advice, but I do remember when my aunts had to take care of my sick grandparents (my grandma had diabetes and at one point they had to amputate her leg, and I don’t know the name of my grandpa’s condition). It was difficult, but patience and good-naturedness got them through and made things easier for everyone.
My advice? Be patient, don’t worry about taking a break every now and then and make sure to take care of yourself and treat yourself to things you like. It would do wonders. *hugs*
Hugs to you too. How nice of you to think of me. What a wonderful community we have here.
It is hard to let go of the guilt, but knowing my sister is with him right now let’s me take a break and regroup. This could be a long haul, so it is best to pace ourselves. I escaped to our cabin near Lake Tahoe for a few days before my next “shift” with Mom and Dad. It is a lovely and restorative place.
Been thinking of you the last week or so, wondering … so it was good to get an update. After ten years as my parents’ sole and full-time carer, the best advice I can give you is to care for yourself – at least once in every day take time out to do something for Robin – physical, and away from responsibility, preferably (either the, or totally frivolous!). As they say on the airplane, first put the oxygen mask on yourself, then fit it to your dependents – you’re no use to anyone if you’re burnt out and you won’t last the distance. Oh, and take help from wherever it comes, in whatever guise. Some people like to help, others have to … seems your estranged brother has resurfaced just at the right time. Let him work out his guilt …
Blessings, Robin 🙂
Ten years as your parent’s sole provider!? You are a saint. How did you manage?
My sister is with them now so I escaped to our cabin to regroup. I can’t believe how exhausting it is to sit in a hospital room for hours on end. I guess it isn’t the sitting there that is exhausting, it is the stress and worry. I have mixed emotions about my brother. Dad cried (my dad doesn’t cry) when my brother called him. I think they were tears of joy, but his tears were mixed with sorrow. I can’t forgive my brother for abandoning my folks. I know one should practice forgiveness, but I can’t forgive that. But, that is a topic for another time.
I can’t tell you how I did it beyond one day at a time … And because it was the right thing to do – it’s interesting how a concept can give one strength!
Don’t worry about your brother – it’s not up to you to forgive him, though he can pay you all back now by being useful, if you trust his guilt enough!
I know what the sitting’s like … Take toys – sudoku puzzles, your tablet for writing, a good book or two because you’ll need to be bright and calm when you’re talking with them, especially with your mother so stressed and frightened/confused.
Buddhunsaranai Robin
I got Mom hooked on solitaire on my iPad and crossword puzzles. She would be absorbed and it had a calming effect on her. For me, it was a delightful book called “Lunch in Paris.” For Dad, it was watching for the green button to light up every 6 minutes on his self-administered pain medication.
Poor darling! Hope the pain’s subsiding at last? 🙂
Yes and no. He is off the patient administered thing and on oral pain meds, so that is good news. The latest is more fluid on his lungs and another procedure to drain it.
Oh dear, so the infection’s not cleared up yet. Looks as though he’s been soldiering on with it for a long time. Hang in there Robin. 🙂
Thanks honey.
I haven’t said much on here because I haven’t been following you for very long, and I feel like I don’t have the right, but here goes…
Do you have a really close friend who can take care of you? Someone who makes sure you eat and stuff? Someone to cry on when you’ve had enough and need to step out and break down for a while? Because if you do, now is the time to ask that person to be there and tell them exactly what you need them to do.
I can’t say that I’ve been where you are right now but I’ve been pretty close to there and it was bad, so I know what you’re going through must be that much worse. My heart goes out to you Robin. I sincerely pray that everything is going to be okay.
Of course you have the right to comment here and I am glad you did.
My best friend lives 3 hours away from me but only about a half hour from my parents. That is good advice. Next time I am with my folks I will be sure to connect with her. She is a great support system.
Thank you for your prayers and kind words. While it is virtual, I feel great support from the comments here. What a lovely blogging community we have.
Robin, you have an awesome virtual support network… let the well wishes and prayers buoy you. If you meditate, remember to find even half an hour to do so, or just for quiet time. Ask the Universe to support you. Try to keep to your routines and spend some time living ‘normal’ life. And, take one day at a time. All the best 🙂
Isn’t this an amazing group? A-MAZE-ING. I’ve said it before, but I had NO idea blogging would bring me this bounty of kind and caring new friends. I want to do a group hug!
My sister is with my folks right now so I escaped to our cabin for a few days. It is impossible to be stressed while surrounded by the forest. I know we have a long road ahead of us and we need to pace ourselves. I wish I knew how to meditate. That sounds lovely.
I found this simple & not prescriptive, some of them are SO elaborate, meditation guidelines at http://www.summum.us/meditation/simple.shtml .
RObin, I commented with a link to a simple meditation guideline, which I realise has probably disappeared into your spam…
That is exactly where it went but I fished it out! Thank you. I shall read it at bedtime. Shoot . . . I went looking for it but don’t see the guide. Let me dig a little more. You are so thoughtful.
The article is the guideline. It’s a bit subtle but too many of the meditation technique articles are OTT 🙂
Robin,
Mercy and compassion are new every morning…especially when you’re mourning.
I’m so sorry about your dad and know what it’s like to have a mom with Alzheimer’s.
we are not without hope,
angie
“Mercy and compassion are new every morning” is poetic and lovely. Thank you. I needed that. Tell me about your journey with your mom. What is ahead for me/us?
My poetic and lovely words are scripture. If that speaks to you, then you and I both agree we need a savior:) I’m sure your spirit is in need of reviving and you’ll need strength to serve your mother now. I’ve found lots of other people on wordpress who have caregiving experience with their loved ones with Alzheimer’s. I suggest you find a support group through the Alzheimer’s association by calling 1-800-272-3900 to see what’s in your area. Here’s some lessons: 1) don’t be afraid to ask questions 2) go with the flow & don’t correct your mom 3) it’s okay to be afraid of it 4) sometimes it’s the disease talking 5) be a keeper of memories
Life can still be enjoyed in the present tense,
peace to you
Scripture. Well. I should have known. You used it beautifully.
Excellent idea about a support group. When (note, I didn’t say if) Dad get’s out of the hospital I will suggest a group for him too. I will return to your lessons often as we move into this new phase of our lives.
One symptom Mom has is the inability to make simple decisions, like ordering at a restaurant. It gives her anxiety. I learned to tell her what to order, or eat for breakfast, or, or, or. At first I was frustrated with her. When I figured out it was the disease, I handed her decisions and it eased my and her tension.
Thank you for your words of support.
Robin, I started to write about our own experiences with my dad, Rich’s dad, and now my mother, but all I really want to say is, I know what you’re going through, and I’ve been thinking about you and your family every day. Take one day at a time. Take care of yourself. Just be there for your parents and love them as you do. The picture is wonderful. Rich’s parents were very sweet like that. We’ll both be praying for all of you.
You are so sweet Maddie. As you know, this has been hell and back. And, the worst part is knowing that this is just the beginning. With Mom so healthy, we will move from “she can dress herself, walk the dog, empty the dishwasher,” to . . . a place I can’t imagine. How did you do it? Times 3?
I won’t lie. It changed us. We lost some of our joy of life. Not that we don’t enjoy life; it’s obvious we do, but something changed. Rich’s mother had Parkinson’s, so we went through that, too. He has lost both of his parents now, and we only have my 83-year-old mother with her ailing health. There were some nights when we felt as though we couldn’t breathe. The quiet nighttime was agonizing. At least we had each other, but family couldn’t always be counted on. We tried to see parents as often as possible. We didn’t want them to be alone. Just be there for your parents as often as you can, Robin. They will feel your love always.
Dear Robin,
What a full and heavy load you are carrying — my prayers and best wishes are with you and your parents. If this helps at all, you will all be in my devotions everyday, and I am sending waves of healing and good wishes all the time. I hope you find your reserves of inner strength, and those of inner peace, as well. Blessings to all of you.
Oh Judith . . .you words are soothing and healing. I can’t type for the tears, but knowing you care means the world to me. It truly does. Gosh, the blogging community is wonderful. Who knew? When I started, I thought I was talking into the void. But now, there is a world out there that cares about me, my family, and what the heck is going on in my life. I thank you.
Robin, I am happy to know that you find comfort in my simple words. I felt the same way when I started blogging, and you and my other readers have made me feel that I’m definitely surrounded by clouds of angels. If I can do anything further, all you need do is ask. Love and peace, my friend.
“Clouds of angels.” What a lovely thought. I will leave it at that. “Clouds of angels.” Ahh.
😎
I am sorry that I do not have any words of wisdom for you. but I do have compassion and empathy. I love the photo.. such love and such love in your words. Sending you my best and my prayers
Audra
Audra . . . so nice to know your name.
What lovely thoughts you are sending me/my parents way. Thank you. I typed up the post and I was fine. I am now a mess of emotions.
it happens… I have had a rough two weeks myself. It helps to write and know there is support.
Be well and yes, you must take care of yourself
The blogging community is amazing. The support I feel touches my heart, my brain, and my soul. Weird. Strangers show almost more support than family/friends.
it is an odd parallel universe but one that I welcome and feel very comfy in. It is wierd how we all find each other so quickly.. and bond.
Good night and rest your weary mind/soul
How is the soldier doing?
You are sweet to ask. She is in limbo-land for the moment until her security clearance for the Monterey Language Institute goes through. I have more of her letters to share . . . stay tuned.
Good night to you too.
Oh, Robin, count this as another hug. Unfortunately I know exactly what you’re going through. It sucks. It’s hard. It’s exhausting. The best advice, take a deep breath and keep breathing. I’m praying for your family.
How did you manage? I am so worried and so sleepless. There must be a way to get through this. But how? You know, Dad is the one that helps me . . . he is stoic, even through the pain and fear. So sweet . . . he is mostly concerned about Mom. He doesn’t worry about himself.
I’m still managing. I hinted a couple of weeks ago to you about my dad.
There’s something new everyday. Just yesterday his bank account was cleaned out by some unknown person who got their hands on his bankcard. Of course he doesn’t remember who. Fortunately my mom only keeps a couple hundred dollars in that account. She’s learned the hard way to keep everything in other accounts and only give him enough for spending money. Which he fights. He accuses her of stealing his money, threatens to leave her. It’s crazy. He has become so unruly, he’s chased away all his friends.
At least he is improving physically. He also has congestive heart failure and spends weeks at a time in the hospital. It’s been about 6 months since the last time.
I’m not sure what to do. I’m fighting with my mom to move closer to me and out of the town she’s in. I think if she can get out of that neighborhood these thieves can’t manipulate him and steal his money. The problem is, they lived there for 30 years and the idea of moving is killing her. Of course thirty years ago it was a great place to live, but not anymore.
Honestly, I don’t know what to do. I’m taking it day by day. I’m exhausted too. While I understand what you’re going through, at least my mom is of sound mind. That is, until he drives her insane. Hang in there.
Unruly. That is a great way to put it. Mom is nasty and not nice to be around. Lamb one minute and a bitch the next. My folks moved into the place where they live now 30 years ago too. Climbing 11 steps wasn’t a problem then. Now, it is.
I’m sorry I forgot about your Dad’s condition. As soon as I read your comment, I remembered how parallel our lives are. This stinks. Totally stinks. Please, let’s stay in touch. Good health to your parents and peace of mind to you, Dana. Virtual hug to you!
Thank you! The hugs help. 🙂
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Oh, honey, I didn’t see your post about your dad. I’m so, so sorry you’re going through this. It’s so difficult to see our parents’ health fail. If I were near you, I would give you a big hug. Bless your heart. I will pray for all of you. Big hugs and take whatever time you need. We’re here for you.
Oh gosh . . . you made me cry. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Your hug felt wonderful. Just what I needed.
No person can handle this alone. The whole family has to stand and face it together. My best thoughts to you and yours.
Thank goodness I have two sisters who are amazing. Unfortunately I have two brothers who are worthless. One of them hasn’t spoken to my parents in 25 years and is now attempting to make amends. That is a good thing, but I can’t help but think, “Where the hell have you been?!?”
Tim, you are amazing. I appreciate your support more than you know.
You take care of yourself too. Breathe. In for 15 seconds… hold for 15… out for 15. Then have some ice cream.
Yoga breathing. Perfect. That is the answer. And ice cream. And a vodka tonic.
Both my parents spent lengthy stays in hospital. My advice is no matter what, you must look after yourself FIRST or you won’t be good to anybody–yourself least of all. Don’t forget to eat and sleep so you can keep your strength up.
Good luck and keep well. Hope your dad is on the mend soon and you can manage with your mom.
I am terrible at taking care of myself, so your words are echoing in my head. After my sister arrived to relieve me, i drove away thinking that maybe I should turn back. I didn’t and am now bracing myself for the next phase. The hospital is a horrible place.