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starting sentences with after, Starting sentences with before, Starting sentences with when, Strong vs Weak Words, Strong Words, Weak Words, Writer, writing
Thought you saw the last of the damn Strong vs. Weak Word posts, right?
Me too.
I didn’t think I had another one in me. But lucky, lucky you . . . be prepared to be edified or anesthetized. Your choice.
I was 20-stinking-pages from the end of my FINAL read-through of my manuscript before sending it to a blogging friend for copy/line-editing. Then WHAM-O, I noticed something was WRONG-O. Seriously WRONG-O.
When the main character did such-and-such, then the next thing happened.
A lot.
146 of the sentences in my manuscript started with the word “when.” Good grief. The better part of yesterday was spent reworking those blasted sentences and now, I am the proud owner of a mere 21 “when” sentences.
Let me give you some examples of what I mean, and how “when” can be exorcised and replaced with something more interesting.
When Robin finished her blog post, her followers took to the streets and cheered.
Yeah, right. Sure they did.
Robin finished her blog post and her followers promptly sent her hate mail.
~~~~~
When Robin had a power-lunch, she always downed three martinis.
Gin or vodka?
A martini was Robin’s beverage of choice in order to get hammered over a business deal.
~~~~~
When Robin returned home, she poured herself another drink.
What a souse!
Returning home to a cold and empty house, Robin warmed her spirits with another martini.
~~~~~
Enough of that.
The other thing I discovered was I used “when” to avoid starting yet another sentence with “I.” “When” became this writer’s crutch instead of working to find a more interesting way to say what I wanted to say.
When I stared into the abyss of my computer screen, I wanted to cry.
Oh God. I know the feeling.
Staring into the abyss of my computer screen, tears of frustration threatened to short-circuit my keyboard.
~~~~~
When I stormed out the door, the agent chased after me to offer a book deal.
What is the name of your agent?
The agent shredded my offer for a book deal because I stormed out of his office.
~~~~~
Maybe this ain’t no kinda problem for you, but “when” was sure a whopper of a problem for me.
As I have said before in these posts, the difference is subtle, but there is a difference. Try searching your manuscript for sentences beginning with “when” and please report back what you find. I’m curious.
As a bonus for you, trying looking for sentences starting with “after” and “before.” As in:
After/before the main character did this, that happened.
96 of those babies in my manuscript.
Happy writing!
Robin Coyle 
Great post.
Interesting. I read somewhere to be careful of starting queries to lit agents with the word “When” as a way of introducing the plot. Apparently, a lot of authors use that gimmick. Bet you aren’t surprised.
As in, “When Jack the Ripper unleashed his bloody wrath on London, then such and such happened,” right? Easy to fall back on that good ol’ boy “when.”
I felt the same way when I noticed “that” sticking out all over my posts, stories, and other writings. It is a bad habit I acquired early on. Now, I usually reread the sentence without the “that”. If it makes sense – out it goes. Reads so much easier when I am done.
Scott
“That” stuck out all over my writing too. Funny how you can get rid of it and never miss it! Weird that it sneaks in to often.
You mean like in the last sentence of your reply as “when” would have worked, too!?
🙂
Or “how”
Ya got me! Exactly!
When I write my next post I’ll be sure to check my use of the word “when”!!
Watch out. “When” is sneaky!
How did that “When” get in there??
Ha! Exactly.
On a serious note, I find it interesting as a primary school teacher that many of the language devices and language features we are required to teach children to use in their writing are the same ones adult writers are supposed to avoid. I have come across this time and time again.
You don’t say. Interesting. Maybe that is where our writer ticks come from.
I’m not sure I use “when” too much, but I have used “as” as a sentence starter or connector quite a lot. It’s useful when I write a children’s story and something happens as something else is already happening. But I’ve changed it to while, or broken the sentence in two. It’s hard to perfect, isn’t it? 😉
That is precisely the problem. I want my manuscript to be perfect and I am learning, that is impossible! I keep finding stuff to fix or add. Grrrr.
And sometimes you put back what you changed because it sounded better the first time. Good luck!
Exactly! I keep picking at the darn thing. It is about time to stop and send it to my editor friend and let her pick at it.
WHEN I get back to some fiction writing, I will add “when” to the list. I kept a list of all your strong-vs-weak words and checked my work against them when I was last doing any fiction writing. One thing I found to be careful of, is switching the use of one word to another, and then later finding that word on the list of words not to be used, and switiching them back to the original word, forgetting that was the original word. I haven’t put that very well, but you know what I’m saying…right?!
I know exactly what you are saying. I switched many ‘when-s” to “after-s” and then discovered I overused the word “after!” Instead of “When I got home . . .” I changed it to “After I got home . . . ” Not much better! I was better served rewriting the sentence completely.
Hear anything about your dissertation yet?
Great tip, and perfect examples as to how to make the sentences more interesting. The list of words seems never ending doesn’t it? I’ve got a list of 300 words that I’ve overused in the past. The word “when” is definitely one of them.
I’ve got another for you. Can’t remember if you mentioned it long ago or not. An author in my writer’s critique group always catches people with “ing” words. Unless it’s something you can continue to do, an “ing” word is not appropriate. Example, “Switching on the light, I entered the room.” We can’t continually be switching on a light. We either switch, or we switched it. However, “staring at the computer” can be done continuously and in my case, ad nauseum. 😛
I did do a post on “ing” words early last year.
I now am in the habit of searching for “ing” words in almost everything I write. Ironic that I used “searching” in that sentence.
Aaahhh! the return of Robin! This is one of those ticks that often go overlooked for sure. We try so hard to keep from doing one thing and end up doing another one equally wrong, I vs. when. Good post Robin.
Those writer ticks are so quiet and sneaky. Once I spotted the “when” problem, they scream off the page! Oooh. I’m off to see how many sentences I started with “once.”
Ha Ha…she’s baaack!
Oh, I hate it when I miss something like that. So glad you caught it BEFORE sending it off.
Boy, me too. I am slightly embarrassed about it!~
Strong vs Weak words is back! Yay!
When I saw the new post from Robin, I jumped up and down in elation!
Robin Coyle, improving lexicon since 1959!
*Don’t know why I picked that year. It just sounded… Right!
Hi cutie! You know what is funny? I was born in 1959. How did you know? Oh, now I am giving away my age. Rats.
Were you really or are you pulling my leg?
If so, I guess it was meant to be!
Well you don’t look your age!
No, it is true! I just turned 55. Not look my age? Ha! Not only are you cute, you are a liar.
LOL! Well I don’t think you do.. And trust me.. I’m the worst liar in the world.. My face does this weird thing that just gives me away so I hardly ever bother.. Not intentionally anyway!
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!
I can’t lie either. I know the face you are talking about. Mine does the same thing.
That makes me feel better 😀
If you write in Word, you can set it up to alert you to your frequent “whens” and “asses,” um, “ases.” 😀
Oh, and I hope you aren’t using the sentence that has your “tears of frustration” “staring into the abyss.” 😀
Now that I’m done harassing you, I’ll go mind my own business.
Didn’t you read the WordPress manual? One is allowed to use scads of cliques in blog posts. Chapter 2, page 1,459, paragraph 102,935. Check it out.
How do you set up an alert in Word?
Cliques or clichés? Misplaced modifiers, too?….I wasn’t issued a manual when I signed on to WordPress. Or if I was, I didn’t read it. I’ve never been good about things like that.
re: Word Add whatever you want highlighted to the spellcheck dictionary.
Terrible typo on my part! Yikes.
In one of my recent manuscripts my evil word was “hot.” Granted it took place in the summertime, on the beach, and was in the erotica genre, but still…. 61 times? 😡
Ha! So how did you fix it? “Steamy?” “Sweltering?” “Roasting?” Changed the season?
Shifted some of the dialogue….described the heat…or described “how” the body parts were “hot.” Hehehe!
Sounds like a “hot” read! How many “hot-s” did you leave in?
I think it was somewhere between 8-10.
61 to 8 or 10 is excellent! I bet that felt good. Getting rid of my “when” sentences was satisfying.
Isn’t it funny how much better it reads once they’re gone, too? (Sadly, unlike you, I wasn’t the one who picked up on my overuse. My editor did. :-))
Oh my, I have been edified for sure. I’m afraid to go back to my manuscript now. WHEN I do, I think I’ll have a martini in hand. :-0
Pour a martini for me. I’ll be right over.
Shaken? Or stirred?
Oooh. Lovely. How about both shaken and stirred. I like a lot of produce in my martini, thank you.
Yikes! In a 90,000 word manuscript there will be repetition. I tried to get away from starting sentences with nouns. That is dang hard!!!
I’m reading The Goldfinch which I love since she breaks all the rules. Too many subject verb agreements in a paragraph? String them all together in on reeeeeeally long sentence. Pulitzer Prize winner, there….
I’ve read half. Now I’m going to start counting how many whens and afters she uses….
People either love Goldfinch, or hate it. You love it?
I suppose 146 sentences starting with ‘when’ in a 70,000 + manuscript isn’t bad. I noticed the problem when I used it three times in one paragraph! Taking them out was like removing speed bumps from my writing.
That’s a good one, Robin. Thanks for the heads up. You’re right–it can be difficult to come up with different ways to start a sentence so it’s not always the character’s name or a pronoun that begins it. I think this is a trap we all fall into. Maybe Stephen King does too. 🙂
I consulted Stephen King before posting this and he was thrilled to have the writing tip! That Stephen is such a card. He is naming his next book, “Robin Returns.”
Because my book-to-be is in the first person, it was sure hard to not start every sentence with an ego-trip! Hence, I would say, “When I.” hardly a good alternative.
You and Stephen King–thick as thieves. I always suspected.
When Stephen-baby was over for dinner tonight, he commented on your snazzy 1990s dress and hair. He is using your look for the protagonist in his new novel. Ask for a cut in the sales.
Yes, I believe it’s going to be called “Carrie 2.” This time, however, my dress is what starts the prom fire.
Ha! Best comment of the year. BEST.
Taking my bow now.
Haha, Stephen King should soooo write Carrie 2 after you send me that picture. You sent it to him, right? Imagine Carrie as a medical student…
Don’t worry. I sent Stephen Carrie’s picture already. He started writing Carrie 2 immediately.
I bet he did! I just see how inspiring that picture is.
Carrie’s dress and hair were classic.
I’m glad you recognize the difference between classic and classy, haha!
I wonder if Carrie is going to chime in.
She’s probably gathering some pig blood…
That made me laugh out loud. I’m going to tell Carrie we are talking about her.
She might be on the phone with Stephen King
Laughed out loud again. I just emailed her.
Ha, gathering pig blood! You’re close. I was at the new Liam Neeson movie. Lot’s of bloodshed there. But as with many movies of its genre, the only roll women played in the movie was to be dead or naked. Bet Stephen King would at least give one a speaking role.
Thanks for the email, Robin. My ears were indeed burning. That’s what happens right before the flames start.
You guys crack me up! Stephan is sitting here next to me laughing too.
Oh the damage she could do…
I really hope Stephen King bites this opportunity.
He just called to tell me he finished the screenplay this afternoon. The movie’s tag line is “Sin Never Dies.” Our very own Carrie is starring in it.
Haha, excellent!
And gives me some of the royalties. I’ll share with you guys.
You’re Ba-ack. Fabulous.
What about starting sentences with ‘as’?
I sometimes feel ‘and’ lurks too often.
Any thoughts?
I’ve cleaned up my writing because of your posts, Robin. Thank YOU.
Oh great. I just searched my manuscript and there are 50 sentences that start with “as.” Thanks a bunch, Tess. I know what I will be doing tomorrow! Making sure “as” is not a problem.
“And” at the beginning of sentences, or “and” as a conjunction? A lot of my “when” sentences were modified with “and” in the middle. As in, “When I returned home, I milked the cow.” (Not a real sentence from my manuscript, thank goodness.) I changed it to “I returned home and milked the cow.”
Just being an ‘angel’ on your shoulder, Robin dear. You’ve taught me so much, now I have questions.
I began the habit of ‘as’ and noticed it. Ugh. The ‘and’ I bring up is the conjunction. Sometimes I feel there are too many ‘ands’. Maybe I over-use them and have a love/hate relationship with them. Not sure. What do you think about ‘and’. Should we make shorter sentences? I’ve tried but sometimes I could scream instead.
In my uneducated opinion, if you mix up short sentences with sentences with “and” as a conjunction, it adds to the readability. Too many short sentences and your writing sounds like staccato. Too many long sentences with endless “and-s”is like monotone for your readers and they become bored. Again, my uneducated opinion . . .
I agree. I’d hate to count how many ‘ands’ it takes to work our my wrinkles. 😀 In my book. 😀 😀
Someone could make a fortune if they invent an app that highlights word in red and sets off alarms and whistles anytime a writer starts a sentence with “when”, “after”, “before”… could be a winner?
We all have sentence starters/phrases/words we habitually use …then have to go back and change…don’t feel alone. You caught it before getting tripped up
Let’s develop the app together! I’ll give you 60% of the proceeds since you had the idea. Writer ticks are a hang up. Who knew “when” was one of mine?