Tags
editing, editing tips, Self-editing, Show Don't Tell, writers, writing, Writing Advice, writing tips
I’ve written about this before, as have many of you writers.
When you write a manuscript for a novel, short story, poem, or whatever, you look at your words with a critical (aka incredibly harsh) eye.
Do the words say what you mean to say?
Do the words move the story along?
Are the words worthy of a reader’s time?
Are the words complete and utter drivel?
As a result of such scrutiny of my own words, I inadvertently do the same review of the words in the books I read. It has rather spoiled the pleasure of a quiet afternoon with a book (or Kindle) on my lap.
Let me give you an example of what I mean. I am reading a book with an interesting storyline, good character development, and moves along nicely. Except, and this is a big except, the author spends way too much time and ink on mundane details.
We find ourselves with our protagonist at a pivotal moment in her life. Her husband cheated on her and she learned that the man she knows as her father might not be her father. She needs to clear her head and think about the implications of these revelations. The author writes of the momentous moment as such:
“I pulled into the parking lot of Glacier Point, put the car in park, turned off the ignition, took off my seatbelt, opened the door, and walked to look at the view. I felt more calm with Half Dome before me.”
Really? Your husband cheated on you and I should care that you parked your car and took off your seatbelt? Honey, what you need is a shot of Jack Daniels.
Being the editor in my head that I am, I said to myself, “So, smarty pants, since you think you are God’s gift to writing, how would you capture the moment?”
So on a lark (you know how we writers love to write on a lark), I took a stab at capturing what the woman was feeling in the face of devastating news.
“My troubled heart longed for the peace that can be found while gazing upon serenity of Yosemite Valley. I went to Glacier Point and uncorked my bottle of wine as I walked to the edge of the cliff. Without having to mediate, a blanket of calm came over me. God’s church was before me and with that, I could begin to breathe again. Faltering breaths, but they were deeper than any I had taken in days.”
Maybe not Nobel Prize winning prose, but I would say it is better than a description of how to park a car. It is the whole “show don’t tell” thing.
If you write about someone brushing their teeth because they threw up after a drinking binge, you don’t need to tell your reader that they took the cap off the tube of toothpaste, wet the toothbrush, put toothpaste on the toothbrush, brushed their teeth, spit the foam into the sink, and then dried off their mouth.
Maybe you should write:
“With three too many martinis under my belt and an unfortunate encounter with Julio, my head felt like lead and my teeth were wearing wool sweaters. After an intimate moment with my toilet while on my knees, I turned on the bathroom light. It seared my eyes like the searchlights at Alcatraz. When I groped for my toothbrush, every prescription bottle in my medicine cabinet flew like hail over my bathroom floor. I really needed to stop drinking and dump Julio, or whatever his name is.”
The point here is if your character drank too much on an evening out, we don’t need to know the color of her toothbrush. We need to know the color of Julio’s eyes. Use your words to tell us the juicy bits.
Is it just me, or do you want to know more about this Julio dude?
transcribingmemory said:
Ha! I really enjoyed reading this. I need to find some passages now and have fun!
robincoyle said:
I’d love to see what you come up with! Thanks for stopping by.
Kate Johnston said:
Your paragraphs are making me even more eager to read the ms you sent me for the Dare to Write challenge! Your story is next in my queue–happily, I had received almost a dozen submissions for the challenge!!
I absolutely agree with you regarding mundane detail. Unless that toothpaste cap is a clue to the unsolved murder of Julio, I don’t want to know about it!
Fun post, Robin!
robincoyle said:
Terrific! I can’t wait to hear your words of wisdom about my ms. You had a good showing for your challenge! I bet that is keeping you busy.
So maybe Julio’s killer coated the inside of the toothpaste cap with arsenic and that is what did him in! Yes, I’m sure that is it.
Dare I ask how the estate is coming?
roughwighting said:
Smiling while I read this post. I’d read a story by you any time, Robin. You know how to HOOK a reader and not bore us with too many details. You know how to get to the “heart” of the matter. This is a great lesson for us writers. THANKS!!!
robincoyle said:
Well, thank you kindly, Pam! Coming from you, that means a lot to me. It was a fun exercise to see how I might rewrite the boring bits.
P.S. Your comment reminded me I need to review your books! I shall do that today.
roughwighting said:
🙂
Zen A. said:
I ask myself one particular question when I’m writing: is this the sort of thing my eyes would glaze over if I’m reading it in someone else’s book? If yes, then chop, chop, chop.
Also – hi, Robin! Long time!
robincoyle said:
Hi Zen! Nice to see you again! And yes, that “eyes glazing over” thing is a sure sign it is time to chop!
Mrs. P said:
Been guilty of being boring…but I am improving. I just love the too many martinis paragraph! A+
robincoyle said:
Why, thank you! It was fun to write.
the eternal traveller said:
Show don’t tell is the hardest skill to master. I’m constantly going back and checking that I’ve done it well enough.
robincoyle said:
Seriously. The “show don’t tell” thing is hard. You also have to be careful to not over-write and make your prose all sappy and drippy.
the eternal traveller said:
I agree. When I start something new, I tend to just write. Then I go back and weed out all the unnecessary words, refine and rewrite. The first draft is always rubbish.
Lori said:
I know, right? I can’t buy books anymore, because any Khloe, Kourtney, or Kylie can upload a book for kicks. It seems every time I pick one that sounds good, it’s one of those “uploaders” who don’t take pride in bringing their story to life. I switched to just buying my blogging friends books who I know hone their craft, even if I don’t usually read their genre.
Good points, Robin.
robincoyle said:
Have you heard of Book Bub? You sign up for daily emails that list 2 or 3 books sold at a discount on Amazon for $1.99, $2.99 or maybe a little more for a limited time. You get a short blurb about the book and can click a link to the book and reviews on Amazon. I have found some great (and cheap!) reads that way. Every now and then a well-known author crops up on Book Bub . . . like Agatha Christie or James Herriot. It has been a great way to find some talent I wouldn’t have necessarily come across.
Good for you for supporting your blogging friends! I have done that a bit as well, but should do more.
How is your husband? I think I saw a recent post from you about that and will now go find it.
Lori said:
I have not heard of Book Bub. Even when I read a bit of the books, they start out good and then somehow lose their umph.
I’ll have to check out Book Bub. Thanks.
robincoyle said:
With the books so cheap on Book Bub, I don’t feel guilty not reading them if they don’t capture me. If I pay full price, I feel compelled to get my money’s worth. Too often a waste of time.
philosophermouseofthehedge said:
Rugged going.
Maybe the book was written for a different audience: one that chooses a book by the number of pages, how much white space is on the page, and 90% of the words have two syllables or less…..
(Oh, I heard Julio was down by the school yard.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wqtX4qZBdRs )
robincoyle said:
Favorite Paul sans Art song ever! So that is where Julio is.
Do you suppose the author was going for padded word count with the needless details? I hadn’t thought of that. That makes sense because the rest of the writing was, while not Steinbeck, quite enjoyable and rich with visualization and memorable characters.